Boundaries

BOUNDARIES. This is such a huge topic! Feels like I’ve been working on boundaries forever and that’s because just like us, our boundaries grow and evolve as we change. I think it’s always healthy to revisit and renegotiate these with yourself.

My relationship with boundaries has been a nebulous one- I grew up in a household where we weren’t allowed any boundaries- it’s partly cultural as naturally in Chinese culture, families are more involved and enmeshed, but partly because of a toxic environment in which my parents didn’t know where they began and where they ended, nor did they allow me any agency or division or individuality. I was punished and shamed for setting boundaries, and as a result my nervous system encoded that it is not safe to set boundaries as the backlash that I suffer as a result are more costly than having those boundaries invaded in the first place.

Obviously, this created a rather painful life. But through recovery and the process of healing, and that means continual practice, continual auditing of my experiences, continual checking in and continual research, I’ve gotten so much better.

What’s important for me to remember, and for others who are working on their boundaries too, is- if you grew up in an abusive situation or one that demanded co-dependency, or self-sacrificing behaviors, or people pleasing, boundaries are going to feel so uncomfortable. But know that boundaries differ from person to person, so never let someone else’s lack of boundaries make you feel like you don’t deserve boundaries around a certain thing.

For example, I’ve never liked it when predatory men feel entitled to touch me randomly- and I mean, people I do not know, people I do not want to know. I remember one particular incident when I was at a party as a girl in my early 20’s with a few friends and a man who I did NOT invite into my space in any way, sat down next to me and put his hands all over me. I said to him, “Do NOT touch me” and he went to my friends (at the time) and complained about me, and then put his hands on them which in their relationship with the world, was completely acceptable (it’s funny how in a lot of people’s world’s, this is acceptable- more on that in a separate blog post). In retrospect, obviously I see this man for who he is- an entitled creep- but at the time because my friends had different boundaries and I was indirectly shamed, I felt bad for setting that boundary. BUT as I said, boundaries differ. Other people might think it’s permissible but that doesn’t mean anything about your boundaries and comfort level!!

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In the process of forming healthy boundaries, you’ll inevitably also create walls. This is sort of like a pendulum swinging from no boundaries, to walls, and then you eventually meet somewhere in the middle. This is perfectly okay. Just notice when you build walls, and know that it’s actually out of self-protection. As you start developing a healthier, more trusting relationship with the world, the walls soften invariably.

Another thing I constantly encounter is the fear of hurting the other person. I’m very sensitive to the feelings of others and sometimes it feels more painful for someone else to experience rejection than myself, so out of habit I’ll put myself in the position of sacrificing something, or giving something up. This happened very unconsciously, and it’s something I notice that a lot of empaths do. We don’t want other people to be in pain. But in the end, we end up being the ones in pain. With regard to this one, it’s good to consciously notice when and where you do this, and recognize that in sparing someone else rejection, you’re projecting on them your own fear/pain of rejection. It’s good to get clear on this and work on this in yourself, and once you work through this, you’ll see it shifting from your relationship with other people. Meaning, when you’re okay with rejection and no longer take it personally, you won’t assume that other people take it personally. Also remember that you have the right to take care of yourself! You’re responsible for you, meaning, when you need to say no, SAY NO!

At present, I’m noticing that I still have a slight issue when it comes to certain types of people who ask me invasive questions. I for some reason feel the need to answer even if it’s rude, inappropriate, or questionable. I do notice that I feel uncomfortable, but the discomfort is less than when I think about how uncomfortable it might be to say, “I don’t want to answer that question,”- but, as with any portion of learning boundaries, it’s important to 1. recognize where you’re giving your power away, 2. take a moment when you feel that discomfort 3. realize you do have the right to assert your needs.

Hope this helps <3

The Nature of Desire and Power

Sometimes someone comes into our lives and we can’t get enough of that person. We might know why consciously, and many times we don’t because the desire is unconscious. There’s something that perhaps we want from them, or feel as though they provide for us whether it’s something we didn’t get in our childhoods, or that we feel like we’re missing.

A lot of time this happens in romantic relationships- there’s a desire to be filled by the other person.

The issue here is, the moment you think that someone else can give you something that you can’t give yourself, you give up some of your power.

Read that again.

So it’s important to get clear when you feel that spark with someone, or that longing. It’s natural to desire someone without any other motives, of course, but I’m talking about a deeper longing that makes us chase after the person, or feel like we might not be okay without them. Getting clear on this is crucial. What is it that you think they can offer you, and why is it you can’t give it to yourself?

Support and need are very different. People can support each other, but the longing, the pull of needing someone to be okay is something else. This usually leads to a toxic foundation for a relationship.

The hack here is- figure out how you can give it to yourself. If it’s not something you can give to yourself, why? Of course there are things like physical contact or presence or conversation, that we all need another person for, but try to distill those too. When we miss someone’s presence, sometimes that can indicate we’re not fully present with ourselves, or it could indicate trouble perhaps, being alone (and this one is always rife to unpack).

The aim of this exercise isn’t so that you don’t ever need someone else and you can self-quarantine forever, it’s to get to the bottom of what needs you can fill yourself, so that someone else’s presence isn’t something you depend on, more something additive to your life which feels a lot more freeing and healthy.

Lastly, it’s never a good idea to surrender any of your power in a relationship. Of course, power can sometimes be a nebulous topic in any given relationship, but there should be an equal balance, exchange, unless the structure agreed upon differs. But giving up your power to exist in a relationship isn’t wise- compromising isn’t giving up power. Giving up your power does NOT equal love.

Why I say this is because I recently came to realize with the help of a shaman, that in my family, I was taught that to give up your power meant that you loved someone. My parents demanded obedience from me, and didn’t know how to show love. It’s cultural, but also due to their unique backgrounds where they were never taught, and they never felt the need to change or heal. So love didn’t mean anything else except to give myself up. I know it’s not just me. There’s a tendency for women to be conditioned this way- that submission is required in a relationship which might be old fashioned, but also it exists even in modern relationships, even if it’s subtle or nuanced.

Your personal power is yours to give, or hold onto. And this is just one way where you can create a mental check point and keep your power.

Masculine Feminine Energies

Recently, I’ve been drawn to cultivating my masculine energy. It was brought to my attention by a shaman I worked with that it was time to work with the masculine, since for a long time I’d been healing my feminine energy. That’s just how I operated in the world, and as she said, it’s like getting used to writing with your right hand.

I think some part of me unconsciously was afraid to work so much with my masculine energy, because I myself present as a cis-gendered woman. I wanted to be feminine, that’s just my preference as everyone has their own preference. I had somehow wrongly thought that my masculine energy might override my feminine energy, but that’s not at all what happens.

When someone’s M/F polarities are balanced, the M allows the F to blossom and grow. It holds the space, creates the container for the F energy. When someone is only running feminine energy, their presence becomes a little too “soft” so to speak, and although I firmly believe there is power in the feminine energy, and a distinct kind, it can be more amplified with a good M counterpart.

When someone is too in the M, then there’s a sense of burnout- energy is externalized, focused, but there’s not so much surrender and blossoming that can be extremely enriching.

Until we balance out our own polarities, we will keep matching with our counterparts- if I’m running very Yin/F energy, then I’ll naturally be drawn to very Yang/M energy because my energy naturally wants to create a balance. If it can’t do it internally, it will find ways externally. The more we consciously mediate this, the more it we meet other people on opposite polarities who are learning to do this too, and eventually you strike a balance together, and individually, as opposed to the unhealthy version which is your energies become codependent and rely on each other to establish a balance, eternally.

Coronavirus

People keep asking how I feel about COVID- and the truth is, initially I wasn’t afraid from the immunity POV- but as the reality set in when I saw how much it affected my life and my friend’s lives, I became very stressed. But that is what makes us susceptible. That is what compromises our immune system.

From a 3D perspective, I was devastated. My life for the next few weeks were solid as I had planned them to be- lots to be excited about and things were falling into place. Then everything came to a halt

As the emails started piling in about shut downs every 10 minutes and work was cancelled, as the news got worse and worse, I knew that I needed to shift my mental, emotional, energetic state- and I did that by implementing intensive self care. What does my self care look like?

• Face masks! I just love these!

• Qi Gong

• Meditation

• Yoga

• Jacuzzi time!

• Epsom salt bath/using it on your chakras in the shower

• Learning (reading/podcasts)

• EFT

• JOURNALING EXTENSIVELY

• Ginger tea!

And then, after 4 hours, I reached a state of peace. Oddly, what I noticed is I had no interest in reaching out to anyone (which arguably, we’re doing a lot of right now, seeking comfort, sharing woes, getting our social needs met) because I felt so content and well- and again, that’s our choice isn’t it. We can’t control our external circumstances, but we can choose how we feel about it and what we do.

Admittedly there was a sense of guilt that was plaguing me. How dare I feel well when everyone else feels awful about this, and how can I feel well in light of all of this? Well, that’s the best thing we can do, because negativity spreads faster. We want to be the beacons of light that show and grant other people the permission to feel just as empowered right now, despite what we might be facing.

Today, I spent the day sorting through what viruses live within- metaphorically speaking, and not. External circumstances can lead to heavy re-evaluation of the internal, at least I choose to see them this way- and I saw lingering belief patterns that don’t serve me, as well as people that are in my life that have toxic traits. As I got further into this today, I suddenly had a vision of a child, who was clearly below poverty lines, crying, so scared. That affected me profoundly.

I started to realize how self-absorbed the people who exhibit toxic traits are, and that I’d still permitted in my life were, and how that was taking away valuable bandwidth from my life and energy that I could be using to help people who were truly in need. Not to mention, I started to see that I was self absorbed by thinking so much of them, when I could have been using the time and energy I invested in them, or struggled with them, for the higher good. All of those people who are stuck in victim mentality have homes, food, employment, and more. A lot more than they need, yet it’s not enough to them- and here I was feeling helpless in the world because I felt I didn’t have enough to help on the level I wanted- but I realized that couldn’t stop me from contributing what I have right now and bypassing my fears about my future. Because it’s possible those are unfounded, and as quickly as things went downhill, they could go uphill again- we just never know.

Someone asked me today what my takeaway from all of this is, and that answer was:

1. I see people clearer now- people show their true natures in times of crisis

2. that I have unwavering faith in the universe and in spirit.

Sometimes point 2 is all we need to be reminded of.

When it got really bad, on Thursday, I sensed so much-

For those of you not into esoteric concepts, this is a good place to stop! For those of you tuned into higher dimensions, here you go:

I’ve felt so much energy- positive, protective energy around me. I’ve seen many many benevolent guides around me, and they seem to be reminding me and supporting me through this. I know that if I’m experiencing this, I’m not the only one.

This reminds me of two times I had an ego death- I had just as many benevolent spirits popping in to say hello- and I was reminded that fear is of the ego, and control is of the ego, and that if we surrender, we’re in good hands.

I know that there are horrible times and I’m not at all belittling the negative impact of this- but I do also know that when there’s something like this, there are good things that come of it too- and I feel hope, because I truly truly feel it.

And in the mean time I’ll do my part and contribute what I can, including researching ways I can volunteer. Because the gift from all of this is free time. But the choice is up to us what we do with it. It’s also our choice what vibration we want to be in.

Shadows in Intimacy

I’ve been thinking a lot about what emerges with deep intimacy. A lot of our deepest fears and feelings come out in romantic relationships, especially, since our partners take over the position that our parents once held. They become our primary support, someone we’re bonded to, and often times, as humans, someone we need. This realization of the popular ethos of love and bonding became even more apparent as I was singing Stevie' Wonder’s “For Once in my Life” on a shoot recently- the lyrics go, “as long as I know I have love I can make it. For once in my life I have someone who needs me,” there seemed to be a consensus that this is our model of relationships. We want to be needed. We want to need.

I’ve always felt that evolved, conscious love is less about needing someone or trauma bonding, but more about wanting them. We are complete, as human beings, and we can take care of ourselves- our basic requirements become less about what another person can take responsibility for and fulfill, but more about them being an additive. As my friend says, people like me are difficult to date because we’re so good on our own. If you’re curious, the reason is, since I was young I was my own primary support in a fear-fraught, unstable environment- I had no one else, and even when I lacked the capabilities to self-soothe or self-regulate (often times, this becomes the first seeds of dissociation), I had to figure it out (this now, leads to friends pointing out- “if there’s one person who I trust can heal themselves, it’s you”) This type of behavior makes partners feel uncomfortable, as it seems like I don’t need them at all, and as one told me, “it’s like you’re just as happy if I leave”.

It used to be a bit of avoidant attachment because my needs weren’t met, mixed in with some anxious ambivalent attachment, but as I’ve grown, I’ve come to settle into the idea that, I’m great on my own. I love it.

I started to wonder though, aside from attachment patterns, was there something else I was avoiding? If my partners all mentioned that the evidence was in my body language, why was I subconsciously pushing them away? I knew that there were shades of fearing vulnerability, and intimacy, and it wasn’t until recently that I really saw it during a three week vacation with a romantic partner- little fragments of pain, triggers, volatility, the signs of the wounded child. Sometimes I regressed, sometimes I felt weak, sometimes I felt exactly how I felt in the moments of my childhood that scarred me the most. I thought I’d grown past this, I thought I’d evolved after so much self-work, but there are always deeper layers worth investigating. This is further elucidated by our love-maps, which are imprinted with different types of personalities that we’re programmed to fall in love with. It’s an amalgamation of our primary caregivers as well as models of love- it’s so deeply wired in us and that’s why our partners will often have similar traits to our parents, or drive us to react in similar ways they did.

I recognize that one of my biggest life challenges is learning how to respond, rather than to react. Most of the time, I respond. But some of the time, in intimacy, I react. We’ve all had that friend that gets so emotional and detaches from all rationality and it gets so difficult to deal with— that friend is a part of us. We get triggered because the pain of abandonment is at the forefront and the part of us that gets activated is the part that says, “I won’t survive without you here. I need you,” But, the reality is, we don’t… we’re adults.

This incongruence is also found in sometimes wondering whether to stay or go, in a relationship. Part of us may want to stay, part of us may want to go. Even more specifically, our minds might tell us one thing, our hearts another, our energy, and our lives, yet another. It’s rare to find love, to find a strong connection, and isn’t it a human trait to want to hold on to attachment, to enjoy it while it lasts? But what if it becomes a set back and you can feel it impinging on different parts of YOU- as in, you need to sacrifice something of yourself, or your life, to stay. And finally, where, and what, are you willing to compromise, if your needs aren’t fully met and your values are encroached upon? So many books about relationships advocate for staying, committing, connecting to a partner, because we’re so often moving on and restarting this same pattern with another partner, even though the “issues” are within us, not the dynamic. Yet, what if we know that something’s not right for us- it doesn’t resonate, and everyone around us knows too? When do we know that we’ve learned all that we need to learn, and that it’s the best thing for both parties to end?

When I’m on my own, there’s no room for regression, or doubt. I’m in touch with myself and I live my life according to my own needs. When I’m with someone, my decisions impact them too, and our energies intermingle. They can, and do, affect me. I believe firmly that we don’t “need” that, yet, we can want that, and make an active choice to commit day to day. There are no guarantees with any relationship- we can defer to senses of security like promises or vows, but even still people are subject to changing their minds. The only security we can have is within ourselves and in our renewed choice and desire. Sometimes, we choose to move on.

Traditional vs. my Reiki healings

I thought I’d make a post to clarify my personal stance vis-a-vis Reiki

Although I was formally trained in Usui Reiki, which is the traditional system, I’ve found through experience that my healings aren’t just that-

My healings go several levels deeper than standard Reiki sessions and pull from a deeper resource, energetically, emotionally, spiritually.

These extensive healings can often times be very draining for me (and very powerful for those being treated), which is why I’ve limited my in-person sessions for some time now.

Most people with Reiki experience will be able to tell you that my sessions are more extensive in nature, and the effects are more profound. Although I practice in the way that feels natural for me, not everyone can understand it without experiencing it, nor is it something I can fully encapsulate in an explanation- it’s certainly something to be experienced.

Book online or email me: maria@alternativereiki.org

x M

Life Updates

I don’t share much personal material here on this blog, nor in my sessions, nor have I invested in cultivating a social media presence for this healing practice. It’s my belief that I only share that which is necessary for the growth of my clients in session and any more than that is an overshare.

That being said, I’ve recently learned it’s okay to not have such strict boundaries and walls pertaining to work and personal. Sometimes, you won’t know what can help someone, and some fluidity as long as it doesn’t become just about the healer (which I believe is an act of ego) is necessary. This work is NOT about me. It’s about what I, and my experiences, can facilitate for you.

Recently, I took a huge leap of faith. I’d come across the idea of the unlived life in The War of Art, as recommended to me by one of my healers. The concept is about how we each have two lives, one is our pro-scribed life, the one we lead out of safety, and the other is where our wildest dreams lie. We can’t have both, and it takes tremendous courage to pursue the unlived life. What more is, if we can find ease in the fear and chaos of not being in control, of all the fear that we have, and that is provoked in others when they find out we’re taking these risks at the expense of some form of approved “Security”, things unfold in a way that is too strange to predict, and all too comforting for the psyche, that’s used to identifying danger in the face of unpredictability.

Back in December, I’d come across a sanctuary in Hawaii. It wasn’t until last year that I started traveling to new places solo- and I’d never imagined that I’d end up in Hawaii of all places, but it called to me. It started coming to me in dreams, first, and I just followed all the signs. I ended up finding a micro-rainforest owned by healers. I asked one of them how she ended up there. She described to me her process is choosing to live the unlived life. She said, every step of the way when we come up with resistance (which can take the form of: “but I don’t have the money, I don’t have x y z, it’s not the right time,”) and if we defy that resistance, or work through it, then something else opens up for us, and the money shows up, and things work out. But that was what brought her to change her life and move to Hawaii and live the life that she wanted, deep down.

I felt so stuck in NYC for a long time. It felt safe, familiar, comfortable, but the bubble of the comfort zone was starting to become restrictive. In March, I went in search of clarity, again in Hawaii. I went back to do all the things I didn’t do the first time, including a cliff jump that terrified me too much. I learned in that instance, just do it. Don’t overthink it, and once you take that leap there’s nothing else you can do but surrender to it, and your body will know what to do. The water hit my tailbone, shaking up a few blocks in my root chakra (for those of you who are familiar, the root rules residences, home—) I do believe that it was stagnating in relationship to where I was living, as I never quite found the impetus to change it. Here was the universe, nature, giving me a proverbial and literal slap on the ass to move me forward.

I had asked that day for the Universe to give me clarity. And it did. As soon as I got out of the water, it was like someone was screaming in my ear “MOVE TO LA”- it was so clear, clearer than that guttural intuition. It was an intuition that wrapped all the way around me, through me, beneath me. I’ve always more or less understood that I’m a tiny piece on a chessboard, and although I may not see the entirety of the strategy, that I can count on a larger force to guide me to where I need to be- because all the other pieces also rest on my move, and I also depend on the other pieces to be prompted, and to follow their moves too. A few more occurrences and shifts came into place, and I found myself back in NYC with a dire need to move on, right away. In fact, the only things (and people) that kept me in NYC fell away in the days after my return which you’ll notice will happen when the Universe wants to free up your energy. In two short months, I made it out here. There were many people who were shifted into my life at the time I needed them- including people giving me not just a launching pad, but a plan of action for when I moved— these were gifts that I could’ve never foreseen. But when you commit to a move for your highest, purest good, the Universe supports you.

The last lesson I learned while being out here was one of patience. That, although things can move fast, they can also move very slow. That, sprinting is good for certain distances, but sometimes we need to re-calibrate and jog the rest of the way, knowing it’s a long way. I also learned, that in the face of the unknown, we can often also default to being paralyzed by fear. But it always, somehow, always, works out. Not only that, but our commitment to making sure that we’re in flow, which comes with getting into alignment, means that we place ourselves into a larger planetary flow and to receive the energies and influences that come with a much larger force than us. I’ve never felt stronger and more in tune, and that comes with also feeling so incredibly vulnerable. This comes with a deep anchoring belief that I deserve all the good that is to come. That’s what taking a big risk is for. Sometimes, we have to play to win.

In-Person Sessions in NYC

June will be the last month I'll be offering in-person sessions for some time. I'll be creating a remote integrative healing session available by phone.

The session will be intuition led, integrating all of my skills, tools and trainings to maximize your healing. I know that most of you prefer in person sessions to remote sessions, but the remote sessions are just as effective, if not more. It allows a clear and focused funnel of energy from which to work, not to mention you in your own space allows a deeper level of comfort.

Some of my remote clients from the past have even moved from debilitating chronic pain to a pain-free existence, and chronic anxiety/stress/depression to "living for the first time" through working with me.

Commitment supports the process and I've seen astounding positive changes when we work together every week. For those of you who prefer on going work, there is a 10-session package with a discount.

To schedule an in person session for the next month, please use the online booking form at alternativereiki.org/booking. I've upped my availability for in person sessions to accommodate.

If you'd like to secure a spot on my client roster of integrative healing, please contact me for more information.

Integrative Life Coaching

I was recently certified as an integrative life coach through The Center for Integrative Hypnosis which is affiliated with IACT- the international association of counselors and therapists. I learned so much from my teacher who is considered one of the best of the best in this field.

I’m now accepting clients who are interested in a long term format (10 sessions) of integrative life coaching, which entails NLP, EFT and hypnosis to guide you in making positive changes in your life. This combination targets both the conscious and unconscious mind as well as pressure points on the body. The format is backed by the latest neuroscientific research of neuroplasticity and body cognition.

I’ll give you the tools you need to rewire your brain, reshape your approaches are your habits so that you can lead your life in the way you want.

I’m currently accepting new clients for coaching. Email me, or book a phone consultation.

How To Choose the Right Healer

In choosing the right healer, it’s most important you feel a resonance. It’s a sudden feeling of connectedness, like you’re drawn to them for some reason and often don’t know why.

In my personal opinion, that’s the most important, because the resonance indicates that unconsciously you’re occupying a similar wavelength. Meaning, they can help you, and you know they can.

I would put this aside for a minute so you can sit with it. If you find your thoughts going to the healer with whom you have resonance, I’d take that as a cue to proceed.

Make sure that it’s someone whose energy you like, whose personality you like, who practices good energetic hygiene. Reason being, in the healing process, your energies are mixing. You don’t want to spend time with someone whose energy doesn’t sync up with yours, or its clear that they don’t take care of themselves or their energy. After you leave an energy healing session, some of the healer’s energy stays on you. If it’s someone who you just don’t like for any reason,, you definitely don’t want their energy on you!

Reason being, if you want an energy clearing, then it’s not going to be to your benefit to be cleared by someone whose energy is “dirty” because that will stick to you and will defeat the purpose. If it’s someone who just seems sad, depressed, upset,, you’ll most likely feel all those too because when your channels are opening during a healing, they’re porous.

Most importantly, choose someone who demonstrates sensitivity- reason being,

in energy healing, although most of the time we’re dealing with things unseen. Sensitivity is what attunes us to the energy. Although unseen, this has real implications because everything, EVERYTHING is energy. When something/one affects your energy, this/they’re affecting the way you emit, broadcast your energy into the world and therefore, what you attract back into your reality. So take your time with this and it’s worth it to make the investment.