From Stuck to Forward Movement

Sometimes when you feel stuck it’s hard to muster the motivation to move forward. Not only that but, it feels safe to be stuck. We may be unconsciously blocking ourselves to “protect” ourselves from new terrains that feel uncomfortable and risky. Change is scary.

How do you combat this?

Realize that the ego goes into resistance whenever there’s a shift. You CAN do this, and you, your soul, knows this. That’s where your power is derived from. Left to your ego, you are powerless because it tries to convince you of your powerlessness. It tells you you can’t, that you’re not good enough, that fear is reasonable and valid.

The first step to take is any step. It’s not about the step itself, and there’s no need to worry about it being the right step to obtain the right outcome. Outcome is secondary, as it can’t come without some movement first. Movement is really about directing the energy toward forward movement that attracts new events.

The 2nd step is to evaluate what it is you want. A better career? More money? Love? Friendship? Be clear about what it is you want and start taking baby steps in each. Put yourself out there, and when you feel resistance, keep going. Resistance is a break through waiting to happen.

As you break through the stuck energy, you’ll see just how easy it is to keep accelerating. The path becomes clear and momentum carries itself. A lot of times, being stuck is just telling us that we lack the confidence to move forward. But confidence is within. The ego/mind hides a lot of our innate confidence, worth from us -- it's not the truth.

you CAN do this! No matter how scary it seems! Recognize that you have support even when you feel that you don't.

Stepping Into Power

The process of stepping into ones' own power means owning oneself fully and truly. It means facing every part of you, especially the parts of you that you hide to be socially accepted. Shadow work is essential in this process, as most of us discard and disown elements of ourselves that we cover in shame and self-rejection. That means feeling the depth of negative emotions, "abnormal" (I say this in quotes because what I mean is, anything outside of what society defines as normal which is a rather limited box) needs and basically, anything about ourselves that we'd cringe at if someone else found out about.

For me, that was feelings of neediness, loneliness, sadness, a fear of rejection and vulnerability. If we all came out and said what it was that we hid away, we'd probably come to find that we all hide the same things.

On the spiritual path, if you're like me and have had a share of traumatic events, you'll likely dissociate or want to escape from the heavier feelings and move towards the lighter ones. As a shaman identified for me, this is a form of spiritual bypassing. Although it feels like we are on the path towards enlightenment, we do need to face the discomfort to be able to drop into our bodies because the truth is, our power is in our bodies. If our spirits journey out, our bodies are left defenseless and our visions lose their grounding. Often times in these moments we'll hit a "Detour" or what appears/feels to be like one. It will often feel like a trauma itself, but what it's doing is dislodging our deeper traumas in our unconscious that are matching this circumstance. These detours are what allow us to step into our power.

Throughout the process, it can be grueling, but keep in mind that we are only given that which we can handle. If you are a person like me, a very old soul, a healer, an empath, then you already know that you've signed up for a hell of a lot of challenges in this lifetime to refine you, to make you stronger and suited for the large undertakings ahead. We can only heal people as much as we heal ourselves, after all. Before my "detour", I was taking on the energies of other people, their pain, their wounds and not realizing that those were only being absorbed because they matched something in my past that I'd buried in my subconscious. On the other side of this detour, I realize how much faster I can go down my path now after clearing out all of the darker, residual aspects.

We are human- and as human beings we are wired to judge. And that judgment is information not for the other person, but for ourselves- it brings up our belief systems and what we fear within ourselves. We can use this as useful information in our transformation process as it makes us more powerful.

Remember that power is not what we are conditioned to believe it is: it is not masculine, domineering, aggressive. That is overcompensation. That is purely gender based conditioning. Real power is integration. Real power is feminine and masculine. Real Power is ownership of the self, ugliness and all.

Love and Male/Female Energies

We hear this all the time: to attract love you have to love yourself

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

The prerequisite to loving oneself is a sense of wholeness. When we are scattered, when we disown parts of ourself, and we create separation within, we are actively NOT loving ourselves. The process of integration is the process of falling in love with oneself. And wholeness is what attracts wholeness.

When we are seeking externally that which we don't have inside, that's when we run into issues with our ego, our insecurity and our repetitive patterns. That's what we have, as Freud would call it, repetition compulsion. And even if that "love" fulfills itself, which isn't even the end goal unconsciously (unconsciously it's to play out and resolve a trauma, we just think consciously that we're seeking love) it becomes an immature love. Most of the time it's quite simple. When we don't love ourselves, we're actively looking for love out there. But how is this really possible in an increasingly high stakes arena? We're all so de-personalized as a society when it comes to dating, we swipe people. We ghost. 

The issue with making other people give us what we don't give ourselves is that we create codependency which naturally is not healthy. We end up making the other person responsible for our needs, and that is parasitic. Mature love functions in a state of harmony where both people are responsible for themselves so they have more to give one another from a genuine place of giving, not as an obligation.

The problem here is that most people mistake obligation for love. Think about how many times you've felt obligated for friends or family and recognize that that might be telling you something is inherently unhealthy in the relationship. Because within a truly positive and healthy framework, even the most mundane things are things you WANT to do for the other person not because you feel like you HAVE to. Not to mention if we do have healthy relationships and therefore healthy boundaries, no one would pressure or guilt you into something you don't want to do. Therefore obligation cannot possibly exist.

In this vein it's important to look at male and female energies. In no way is this to do with expressed gender- male and female energies are a natural part of all of us just like yin yang and the elements. The issue with our current society is that we are forced into imbalance. We are forced to express only one or the other, or have highly exaggerated male energies AND we largely live in an unconscious and weakened energetic state. What I mean by this is internally, reaching a place of non-binary is essential. That's why the ascended masters all had a rather androgynous way of expression. Even if externally you are cis gendered, it's important to understand how both M/F energies are fine tuned within. Because again, if we have a lack of male energy within, we'll seek that male energy outside of us but usually in the unconscious form and vice versa. 

Example: If someone is heavily skewed towards the feminine, but the feminine is not well cultivated/conscious because the masculine is disowned, then this person will likely seek out very authoritative "strong" male and unconscious energies that end up being domineering towards her

It's difficult to integrate and develop both energies and bring them into the conscious because our society has been so heavily skewed towards the unconscious masculine energy and to a weakened feminine energy. Not to mention, women have been programmed to disown their own feminine energies because it is believed to be "weak" and lean towards masculine energies to survive in the work place. Think about it. Why is there so much shame surrounding a woman's menstrual cycle? Why is it that women have so much trouble conceiving in this current time? Why are there so many cases of breast and ovarian cancer? Why are we all skewed towards the rational masculine side of the brain and being right handed is the norm? Even the most subtle expectations skew our balance. We as humans are sensitive beings, we have just learned to disown that too. "We" in the general sense, not you and I :)

The divine, conscious expression of both of those energies is something very different. It exudes a strength, not an insecurity. Luckily, with the current planetary energies, men are learning to open their hearts and accept the divine feminine within. Women are learning to empower their feminine energies too and change the perception of feminine energies as weak (both polarities are weak in their unconscious and underdeveloped form, of course-- and no matter how domineering the unconscious masculine is, it is still weak because all of that bravado is a display of insecurity and acknowledgement of weakness. All that forcing is going to break them not to mention, solar plexus chakra focused power over others mentality cannot survive in our Aquarian heart centered, power of love mentality). With this comes a new understanding of what it means to embody masculine/feminine.

 

Awakening

I remember being a teenager and reading The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle.

It was back then I began reading self-help books in my spare time, seeking education and help. I knew there was something wrong with how I felt and what I dealt with, but living in that reality and being told it was 100% normal doesn't allow that perspective.

It was like being in Plato's Cave

If you're unfamiliar with the Allegory of the Cave, essentially Plato likens existence to people living their lives in a cave, watching shadows cast on the wall. Because of their limited perspective, they believe this is the world. 

The Power of Now struck me hard and I still remember the passage today even though it's been countless years since I've read it. It was about how Tolle came to be. What I mean is, when he embodied consciousness and surrendered to his Spirit. He described it as a moment of darkness sitting on a park bench and he thought the world had ended. He thought he was dying, his reality was caving in. Then the next morning it was akin to the first day of his entire life. He could finally see.

I truly believe that there's a part of us that already knows everything we are going to experience. As esoteric spiritual teachings tell us, our souls write a plan for every lesson we agree to experience in our life. We not only have this contract with ourselves, but we also have them with others. We enter into a soul contract with other people who serve a mutual purpose on our journey. It explains why, even though you may be encountering 500 people a day, you only resonate with a select few. 

That part of me both knew and had NO idea what I was about to experience. I didn't think that spiritual awakening would be something on my radar, but there must be a reason why I remembered for all those years the first time I encountered a description of it. I would never have imagined this is what I would become, to have my reality shifted entirely in the past 5 months, to have rebuilt myself from inside out. But being out of that cave for once is the most I could ever ask for.

A long time ago I ran into a palm reader. The skeptic, rational side of me dismissed it, but the intuitive part, and my heart, heard it loud and clear. I asked her why my life line was so short.

"Look here," she said, pointing to a line that extended below my life line. "It breaks off but continues here. You're going to live your life one way and then drastically change and live it a new way,"

I did not know that what she was showing me was my awakening.  

Protectors

Since I was young, I was captured by Kill Bill. I tend to love narratives about growing into ones' strength and identity. Lady Vengeance is another one that explores similar themes.

Anyway, the last scene always struck me. Her tears were so complex yet I couldn't quite understand what they meant. Superficially, it could be read that Beatrix is just sad after Bill's demise. They had a complex, loving and intense relationship after all. However, I read it as so much more. The tension invited my curiosity for many years.

There's grief, there's turmoil, yet there's GRATITUDE. It's a storm of emotions releasing at once. Do you see? It's catharsis. This great mystery of expression resonated. And I didn't figure out why until today, at 1:11. It was like an angel dropped the answer into my mind. 

In Tibetan Buddhist tapestries, Buddha is always in the center. Below Buddha are what look like, upon first glance, demons. However, they're actually called "Protectors", people put on Buddha's path so that he can overcome, grow and learn from the experience. They are in fact, antagonists.

The people who are our "enemies" teach us the most about ourselves.

Bill is, was, Beatrix's nemesis. He put her through hell and committed brutal acts of violence towards her. He took away her chance at a normal life. Because she has so much hate in her heart for him, her vengeance is what drives the entire narrative. HOWEVER, it is important to see it from a broader point of view. Bill knew who Beatrix was. He tells her at the end, "you are a born killer,"

When Beatrix ran away from her career as an assassin and found a new life in Texas where she would get married and raise her daughter in normalcy and peace, Her abandonment drove Bill mad, so he hunted her down. Essentially, Beatrix was running away out of fear: fear that her killer nature was incompatible with her social role as a mother.

Through everything after, he tested her limits time and time again, showing her her true strength and resilience. By the end, Beatrix redeems not only her daughter, but a life in which she could be the killer she was too. Through testing her, Bill gave Beatrix a gift: he allowed her to get in touch with her true nature, one that she denied. He allows her to integrate nurturer with killer, though initially they seemed at conflict. She's crying because she recognizes this. 

This dawned on me today as I truly recognized the value of my childhood. I've struggled with many different emotions during my own healing process including anger, resentment, guilt, then neutrality. Today, I finally reached the peak: gratitude. By placing the obstacles in my path, my own parents, especially my mother, gave me purpose. As a born healer, they gave me a reason to heal. It does not by any means justify their abuse as I am still not in contact with them because I do not condone their treatment of me. Instead, it helps me recognize the meaning behind my trauma. It gave me insight, it gave me experience, and it gave me not only the capacity, but the depth to empathize with the people I encounter. They allowed me to get in touch with a part of the human condition I wouldn't have been exposed to otherwise. They let me redeem myself.

Had it not been what I went through, perhaps I'd be very different today, with little ability to access and little desire to do what I love most, now.

And very often, on this spiritual path, I find that my greatest hurdles are also great gifts. They point me towards what still needs to heal so that I can move forward.

xo M