As someone who’s been on a spiritual path for the last 10 years I’ve worked with many spiritual healers of different varieties driven by my need to understand, learn and grow both personally and professionally.

In my current synthesis of these experiences I can say that there’s a very fine line of spiritualism and mental illness. Sometimes, people in the spiritual domain will mask their unaddressed mental illnesses/delusions with concepts of spiritualism and that is NOT a path you want to walk.

There are also many quadrants in which intense codependency is masked as “unity consciousness”, as a boundary-less, martyring, serving virtues which are much less than that.

I’ll give you an example: I once worked with a shaman for many years who I’d only worked with because I saw results from working with her- meaning, this wasn’t just some faith based healing, but empirical result driven reasoning. I put up with her lack of boundaries- she was constantly preaching how we are “one” and how we cannot have boundaries- but what this did was serve her in a strange way in the long run, because I felt, as her client as time went on, that I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries with her for fear of being “bad” or “less spiritual”. What this was was not just lack of professionalism, but truly high level covert narcissism masked as “I’m so good, I’m always in a position of selfless serving and that is spiritual which should be your value system too. I have less boundaries because I am more spiritually developed than you,” but what I found was it was actually entitlement upon deeper examination. It pulled you into this nebulous framework of guilt. She also had VERY strange assertions that were unchecked- granted, she did have some very good intuitive insights, but it was mixed in with these outlandish claims in which she herself couldn’t distill truth from insanity.

I used to also book a certain service, but when she’d arrive at my home she’d not only go HOURS over just lecturing me, but also NOT give me the service that I booked because her “intuition” told her to give me something else “I needed” without my consent. At the time I thought, oh I should be grateful she’s being so generous with her time, but I realize upon retrospect that it was again, a high level narcissistic behavior in which this person would just monologue because they needed to be listened to. None of the advice I asked for, none of it helpful, all of it was taking up hours of my time. When I tried to speak she’d cut me off- just to monologue again. In retrospect, it was so out of bounds, so unprofessional, and yet she was highly regarded.

She wasn’t the only one who did this- there were other healers who oddly would make my sessions about themselves- also monologuing for hours.

This field is one in which people who are drawn to it or gifted in some way, most likely had a traumatic past which created in them a strong impetus (and strong gifts) to help others. But it’s one where you HAVE to be discerning enough to choose people who not only can 1. help you, 2. have healed and are operating out of a healthy place that HAS boundaries and is respectful of the human life we live.

What I mean by this is, Okay- I’m aware there’s a spiritual concept of “one-ness” and “unity consciousness” wherein when we die we return to a more massive consciousness and realize we are part of everything. I know people have these spiritual experiences either induced or accidental- but the fact is, we are human beings and we need to be respectful of this temporary state that we are in. We cannot deny that human beings are separate- we are separated by flesh, by place, by time. We are not, in this current form, limitless and infinite. When we die, sure, but we are not dead right now. Nor would it be healthy to bypass this human experience in the pursuit of purely spiritual desires that completely out of body because that’s avoidance.

So, the takeaway is, spirituality and healing, like all spaces can be a mixed bag. There are people with a lot of trauma and a unchecked mental illnesses/personality disorders that are harder to see when it is disguised as spiritual. That’s why there are so many spiritual cults and guru abuse- because energetic and spiritual abuse, narcissism and sociopathy are can easily be concealed. If you just think about it- there are a lot of weaponize-able spiritual beliefs, for instance:

the idea that everything you encounter has roots in some part of you- that it’s all mirrored
our experience is a simulation

If you’ve been in the spiritual field at all, you’ve 99% heard of one of these “doctrines”- these are perfectly convenient for abusive situations. For #1, if someone does harm to you, it’s a massive gaslight and a strategy of mental abuse to blame shift it onto the person who is victimized in the situation and say, oh, that’s because it’s reflecting something inside of you!!! You’re the bad guy!! I mean, this is nothing more than the narcissistic cheater who blame shifts to their innocent partner and blames them for cheating when they are the one cheating themselves or claiming that person is crazy for having these thoughts.

#2. This takes away the culpability of our actions. If we believe that we are not experiencing true reality, then we cannot empathize properly with another person because they are but a “character” in our video game that we can choose to maneuver however we want. If we believe that everything is a simulation, then nothing can have the weight of intentionality and accountability. This is a sociopathic set up.

Sometimes, people don’t have it in their conscious awareness that they’re trying to drain or grab your energy.

I define energy grabbing as smaller doses of huge drains of energy. It’s basically when someone’s texting, emailing, calling, making contact in some way so that they engage you. You, if you’re energetically aware, may feel drained after connecting with them, or have a sense that something is wrong, that you don’t want to engage. This person’s unconscious intention is to grab your energy because they can’t self-sustain. They will sometimes ask you nonsense questions or just keep engaging you when they really don’t need to be. There’s something in them where they just NEED to make contact with you and they will come up with excuses.

Healers and empaths tend to be targets of this, because people feel good in our energy (if we’re doing the work and honoring our energy, that is- and most of us already have it in us to be givers and take on energetic labor for people) that is not to exempt healers or empaths in general, as many toxic healers and empaths (what I mean is, people who are not doing their work nor accountable for their own energy) drain or grab energy.

There’s a co-dependent energy exchange at play, and if you allow people to grab your energy, it makes it so that you enable this behavior. On the flip side, if you keep doing this, you’ll never connect to your own source nor learn self-care practices that will sustain and recharge you. Many people who grab energy tend to also have addictions to other substances, and can also be addicted to other people’s energy. If they’re doing it to you, they likely have multiple sources they go to for a boost.

Drains I define as much larger ones over a span of time, whether it’s in one elongated conversation or over the course of a relationship. Sometimes, we can have draining bonds where we rarely interact with the person in a physical 3D space, maybe that person is a family member and our energy cord runs one way- your energy to them. I experience this viscerally when I’m reading for other people and in my own life as a sharp stabbing feeling. I know then that the cord isn’t clean, and that it’s vampiric. This is part of an energetic agreement that needs to become updated, and the contents need to be made conscious in order to change.

Other times, we can just feel drained in the presence of someone, or we can feel glommed onto. Usually, there are other demands being made, it’s not just an unconscious intention of: I want your energy, but it can also be: “I want your information, I want your friendship, I want x y z” but it feels parasitic in nature. There is no give and take, or space.

Most energetic vampires don’t know that they’re doing that to you, even if they may have a conscious desire to be around your energy or to take some of it. Here’s another thing that makes this type of interaction especially hard: we can LOVE/ADORE the energy grabber/vampire. They could need help, and we can be very compelled to help. Sometimes, it’s because of the very fact that we absolutely adore this person that it sets off our empathy and we want to give more of our energy so much that it depletes us.

An energy vampire/grabber is not always a bad person or someone you want to avoid at all. In fact, I’m sure at one point or another we’ve all grabbed at someone else’s energy or drained someone else, before we become really conscious of what’s happening. That’s all it is: an unconscious behavior.

Some of us can have programming that makes it so we attract these types of people, or feel attracted to these types. Or perhaps, we are programmed to offer help, or offer continuous streams of energy. We can be locked into a codependent energy exchange for years, even, because if we were programmed for this, then someone we know and perhaps deeply love modeled this relationship for us.

This can take a very long time to get clear on and to clear. What can perpetuate this cycle is first, being unconscious about it. Then, when you’re conscious about it, victim mentality can keep you stuck. This means having beliefs that you don’t get to decide, or that you don’t have full reign of your own energy and where it goes, or that it’s the other person’s fault they took it. Evaluate, where is this coming from? Is this a sign of a core wounding as a child? When I’m in victim mentality, I know it’s a sign of the wounded inner child speaking, the one who had her life decisions forced on her and felt like she had no say in anything.

You’re accountable too if you allow other people to take your energy. If you’re conscious enough to feel what’s going on, then you know what’s going on.

The next step is to understand that this has so many layers- and that some of these victim mentality beliefs, or beliefs we owe our energy, or to allow this behavior, are embedded in our nervous system. For instance, we may have beliefs here that if we don’t give what other people want, we may feel unlovable, or we may fear their abandonment, or we may fear conflict (because conflict comes with high stakes for those of us who grew up with unstable caretakers) or in the solar plexus level perhaps we need the validation of being the giver, provider, etc.. because that’s deeply wound into our value systems or self concept.

Then, it’s to get clear on our ability to say NO whether vocally, or just to realize that we have that option. Sometimes, we don’t realize we have the option around our energy. This means, rejecting that invitation to get coffee. Not engaging in communication, or calling them out when they’re trying to engage you in communication that is clearly designed to get you to respond. You never have to say to them directly that it’s what they’re doing- it’s not your job, but you can set other parameters and say that behavior doesn’t work for you. They’re on automatic. They won’t know what they’re doing. You know, so it’s your responsibility to disengage from a potentially codependent arrangement.

To embed in your awareness and in your nervous system: “No, I do not want to be in an energetic relationship with you, and I have that choice,” is an empowering thing to do.

Sidenote- if I wasn’t clear before, the attempts to grab will always either try to provoke an emotional reaction so you’re forced to respond, or they’re for questions you’ve already answered, or they’re just random questions. They’re purposeless, because the intention isn’t in getting the answer to the question- that’s not important to the person baiting at all.