This is speaking on behalf of the narcissistic abuse victim—

Pathological narcissists rely on fracturing their victim’s identity, so that they’re cut off from themselves. That’s why there’s so much gaslighting, denial, blame shifting and usage of distraction mechanisms. When you’re cut off from your inner knowing, it becomes harder to see the truth.

An example of this is, say, a narcissistic partner is cheating on you. You may get an intuitive sense that something isn’t right, but every time you ask, you’re put in the spotlight or told that you’re crazy. Examples of how this can take place:

How can you accuse me of something like that? I’ve never done that in my life (lying, denial, blame shifting- because now you’re the bad person, you’ve accused them)
Can you give me the benefit of the doubt? (blame shifting- it’s your fault)
You’re too sensitive (gaslighting)
You’re imagining things (gaslighting)
You’re crazy (gaslighting)
I tell you everything (lying, manipulation)
You weren’t right about x so how can you be right about this? (gaslighting, creating doubt)
Admission of something else, to cover up their deceit (a bid to appear honest, but still lying)
Active refusal to engage (stonewalling, punishing)
You’ve had bad experiences in the past so you’re projecting onto me (blame shifting)
Actual distortion of truth and the importance of honesty (i.e. I’m not lying about anything, I don’t count that as lying)
Everyone lies it’s not a big deal, or everyone does it, it’s not a big deal (minimizing)
I was just so lonely! It was your fault! (blame shifting, plea for sympathy)
They get angry and cause a scene (distraction)
You always need to be right don’t you? It’s like your ego can’t handle if you aren’t (blame shifting)

This isn’t all of it! There are countless manipulation tactics the narcissist can employ to make you feel like it’s YOU who’s paranoid, or ill, or to have reason to doubt yourself and your intuition. You can feel like you’re the bad guy for accusing someone so good. When this happens in the long term, victims often feel cut off from themselves, from their power, from their inner voices. This can manifest in depression, anxiety, panic attacks and actually feeling like you are going crazy. Something feels very off, and you feel more and more distant to yourself, to your family and friends. You wonder why your world just doesn’t feel the same way it used to. Where’s your joy? Why do you feel drained all the time?

This is a similar energy that some things like cults will do, or bad gurus.

The reason why these tactics are employed are because if you are out of body, if you are shut down, if you are separated from yourself, then you end up attacking yourself and doing the work for them. An example of this would be, the inner dialogue would be convincing yourself that you’re imagining things, or being paranoid, or convincing yourself that the narcissist is amazing and you don’t deserve them. Your mind goes overboard trying to rectify the cognitive dissonance you are feeling about the situation and the person, and also trying to quiet all the warning signals in the body. You then become more compliant, because you’re cut off from your power. You become more easily manipulated. You’ve surrendered.

Other ways we can feel when we are caught up in narcissistic abuse cycles are: insecure, we may even feel unable to sleep, we may have various ailments pop up out of nowhere, we may get colds all the time even though previously our immune systems were strong, we may find ourselves fixating on the narcissist to the detriment of our own lives. We may start feel really bad about ourselves, or fixating on our flaws, or working tirelessly to improve our communication skills or some aspect of ourselves because we feel like we are to blame (even though the narcissist does nothing). If in a romantic relationship, we may feel very jealous even though we’re not normally jealous. We may also feel very off balance, or unstable, when usually we aren’t this way. The narcissist will use this against you too, even though it’s their instability and chaos that’s making you feel these things.

WATCH OUT FOR THIS. Even though some of us might not be ready in various stages to see how we’re being manipulated because we can really care for, and love the other person, we need to listen to our bodies when we notice something like this happening.

It is what is called, “Crazymaking”. You’re not crazy, but they’ll make you feel like you are. They’ll keep devaluing you, insinuating things to diminish you until you feel so small. This helps them feel bigger, better, and maintain their illusion. They need YOU to believe in their good in order to feel that they are. They need YOU to feel crazy so that they don’t feel their shame about cheating, or their addictions and lies. Essentially, they need YOU to take over responsibility and blame. Narcissists rely heavily on outside feedback, and if they have their one person, their victim, who reflects back what they want to hear and believe about themselves, then everything is ok in their world. Their egos remain afloat, their secrets remain hidden, their truth becomes obscured, and their shame and inferiority are tucked away.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what emerges with deep intimacy. A lot of our deepest fears and feelings come out in romantic relationships, especially, since our partners take over the position that our parents once held. They become our primary support, someone we’re bonded to, and often times, as humans, someone we need. This realization of the popular ethos of love and bonding became even more apparent as I was singing Stevie' Wonder’s “For Once in my Life” on a shoot recently- the lyrics go, “as long as I know I have love I can make it. For once in my life I have someone who needs me,” there seemed to be a consensus that this is our model of relationships. We want to be needed. We want to need.

I’ve always felt that evolved, conscious love is less about needing someone or trauma bonding, but more about wanting them. We are complete, as human beings, and we can take care of ourselves- our basic requirements become less about what another person can take responsibility for and fulfill, but more about them being an additive. As my friend says, people like me are difficult to date because we’re so good on our own. If you’re curious, the reason is, since I was young I was my own primary support in a fear-fraught, unstable environment- I had no one else, and even when I lacked the capabilities to self-soothe or self-regulate (often times, this becomes the first seeds of dissociation), I had to figure it out (this now, leads to friends pointing out- “if there’s one person who I trust can heal themselves, it’s you”) This type of behavior makes partners feel uncomfortable, as it seems like I don’t need them at all, and as one told me, “it’s like you’re just as happy if I leave”.

It used to be a bit of avoidant attachment because my needs weren’t met, mixed in with some anxious ambivalent attachment, but as I’ve grown, I’ve come to settle into the idea that, I’m great on my own. I love it.

I started to wonder though, aside from attachment patterns, was there something else I was avoiding? If my partners all mentioned that the evidence was in my body language, why was I subconsciously pushing them away? I knew that there were shades of fearing vulnerability, and intimacy, and it wasn’t until recently that I really saw it during a three week vacation with a romantic partner- little fragments of pain, triggers, volatility, the signs of the wounded child. Sometimes I regressed, sometimes I felt weak, sometimes I felt exactly how I felt in the moments of my childhood that scarred me the most. I thought I’d grown past this, I thought I’d evolved after so much self-work, but there are always deeper layers worth investigating. This is further elucidated by our love-maps, which are imprinted with different types of personalities that we’re programmed to fall in love with. It’s an amalgamation of our primary caregivers as well as models of love- it’s so deeply wired in us and that’s why our partners will often have similar traits to our parents, or drive us to react in similar ways they did.

I recognize that one of my biggest life challenges is learning how to respond, rather than to react. Most of the time, I respond. But some of the time, in intimacy, I react. We’ve all had that friend that gets so emotional and detaches from all rationality and it gets so difficult to deal with— that friend is a part of us. We get triggered because the pain of abandonment is at the forefront and the part of us that gets activated is the part that says, “I won’t survive without you here. I need you,” But, the reality is, we don’t… we’re adults.

This incongruence is also found in sometimes wondering whether to stay or go, in a relationship. Part of us may want to stay, part of us may want to go. Even more specifically, our minds might tell us one thing, our hearts another, our energy, and our lives, yet another. It’s rare to find love, to find a strong connection, and isn’t it a human trait to want to hold on to attachment, to enjoy it while it lasts? But what if it becomes a set back and you can feel it impinging on different parts of YOU- as in, you need to sacrifice something of yourself, or your life, to stay. And finally, where, and what, are you willing to compromise, if your needs aren’t fully met and your values are encroached upon? So many books about relationships advocate for staying, committing, connecting to a partner, because we’re so often moving on and restarting this same pattern with another partner, even though the “issues” are within us, not the dynamic. Yet, what if we know that something’s not right for us- it doesn’t resonate, and everyone around us knows too? When do we know that we’ve learned all that we need to learn, and that it’s the best thing for both parties to end?

When I’m on my own, there’s no room for regression, or doubt. I’m in touch with myself and I live my life according to my own needs. When I’m with someone, my decisions impact them too, and our energies intermingle. They can, and do, affect me. I believe firmly that we don’t “need” that, yet, we can want that, and make an active choice to commit day to day. There are no guarantees with any relationship- we can defer to senses of security like promises or vows, but even still people are subject to changing their minds. The only security we can have is within ourselves and in our renewed choice and desire. Sometimes, we choose to move on.