Energy Grabbing and How to Deal with Draining People

Sometimes, people don’t have it in their conscious awareness that they’re trying to drain or grab your energy.

I define energy grabbing as smaller doses of huge drains of energy. It’s basically when someone’s texting, emailing, calling, making contact in some way so that they engage you. You, if you’re energetically aware, may feel drained after connecting with them, or have a sense that something is wrong, that you don’t want to engage. This person’s unconscious intention is to grab your energy because they can’t self-sustain. They will sometimes ask you nonsense questions or just keep engaging you when they really don’t need to be. There’s something in them where they just NEED to make contact with you and they will come up with excuses.

Healers and empaths tend to be targets of this, because people feel good in our energy (if we’re doing the work and honoring our energy, that is- and most of us already have it in us to be givers and take on energetic labor for people) that is not to exempt healers or empaths in general, as many toxic healers and empaths (what I mean is, people who are not doing their work nor accountable for their own energy) drain or grab energy.

There’s a co-dependent energy exchange at play, and if you allow people to grab your energy, it makes it so that you enable this behavior. On the flip side, if you keep doing this, you’ll never connect to your own source nor learn self-care practices that will sustain and recharge you. Many people who grab energy tend to also have addictions to other substances, and can also be addicted to other people’s energy. If they’re doing it to you, they likely have multiple sources they go to for a boost.

Drains I define as much larger ones over a span of time, whether it’s in one elongated conversation or over the course of a relationship. Sometimes, we can have draining bonds where we rarely interact with the person in a physical 3D space, maybe that person is a family member and our energy cord runs one way- your energy to them. I experience this viscerally when I’m reading for other people and in my own life as a sharp stabbing feeling. I know then that the cord isn’t clean, and that it’s vampiric. This is part of an energetic agreement that needs to become updated, and the contents need to be made conscious in order to change.

Other times, we can just feel drained in the presence of someone, or we can feel glommed onto. Usually, there are other demands being made, it’s not just an unconscious intention of: I want your energy, but it can also be: “I want your information, I want your friendship, I want x y z” but it feels parasitic in nature. There is no give and take, or space.

Most energetic vampires don’t know that they’re doing that to you, even if they may have a conscious desire to be around your energy or to take some of it. Here’s another thing that makes this type of interaction especially hard: we can LOVE/ADORE the energy grabber/vampire. They could need help, and we can be very compelled to help. Sometimes, it’s because of the very fact that we absolutely adore this person that it sets off our empathy and we want to give more of our energy so much that it depletes us.

An energy vampire/grabber is not always a bad person or someone you want to avoid at all. In fact, I’m sure at one point or another we’ve all grabbed at someone else’s energy or drained someone else, before we become really conscious of what’s happening. That’s all it is: an unconscious behavior.

Some of us can have programming that makes it so we attract these types of people, or feel attracted to these types. Or perhaps, we are programmed to offer help, or offer continuous streams of energy. We can be locked into a codependent energy exchange for years, even, because if we were programmed for this, then someone we know and perhaps deeply love modeled this relationship for us.

This can take a very long time to get clear on and to clear. What can perpetuate this cycle is first, being unconscious about it. Then, when you’re conscious about it, victim mentality can keep you stuck. This means having beliefs that you don’t get to decide, or that you don’t have full reign of your own energy and where it goes, or that it’s the other person’s fault they took it. Evaluate, where is this coming from? Is this a sign of a core wounding as a child? When I’m in victim mentality, I know it’s a sign of the wounded inner child speaking, the one who had her life decisions forced on her and felt like she had no say in anything.

You’re accountable too if you allow other people to take your energy. If you’re conscious enough to feel what’s going on, then you know what’s going on.

The next step is to understand that this has so many layers- and that some of these victim mentality beliefs, or beliefs we owe our energy, or to allow this behavior, are embedded in our nervous system. For instance, we may have beliefs here that if we don’t give what other people want, we may feel unlovable, or we may fear their abandonment, or we may fear conflict (because conflict comes with high stakes for those of us who grew up with unstable caretakers) or in the solar plexus level perhaps we need the validation of being the giver, provider, etc.. because that’s deeply wound into our value systems or self concept.

Then, it’s to get clear on our ability to say NO whether vocally, or just to realize that we have that option. Sometimes, we don’t realize we have the option around our energy. This means, rejecting that invitation to get coffee. Not engaging in communication, or calling them out when they’re trying to engage you in communication that is clearly designed to get you to respond. You never have to say to them directly that it’s what they’re doing- it’s not your job, but you can set other parameters and say that behavior doesn’t work for you. They’re on automatic. They won’t know what they’re doing. You know, so it’s your responsibility to disengage from a potentially codependent arrangement.

To embed in your awareness and in your nervous system: “No, I do not want to be in an energetic relationship with you, and I have that choice,” is an empowering thing to do.

Sidenote- if I wasn’t clear before, the attempts to grab will always either try to provoke an emotional reaction so you’re forced to respond, or they’re for questions you’ve already answered, or they’re just random questions. They’re purposeless, because the intention isn’t in getting the answer to the question- that’s not important to the person baiting at all.

Clairvoyant Readings: The Good and the Bad

Over the years, not only have I given thousands of readings, I’ve also received that many. I’m curious about other styles because I find it helps me have a better grasp of the territory if I not only garner experience, but experience the opposite side. It is my firm belief that you cannot be a good reader unless you’ve also been on the receiving side because that’s the only way you know what the readee wants, looks for, needs, how it feels.

I’ve encountered gifted readers, definitely. I’ve had delightful readings. However, a few things I’ve noticed that I dislike are:

• When someone is just lost in their own reading space and doesn’t engage you at all

• When someone can’t access anything and puts the blame on you

• When someone forcibly makes predictions or tries to convince you you’re powerless

• When someone forcibly tells you they’re always right, if you challenge them in any way

• When someone makes ASSUMPTIONS or tries to put you down in the reading space (this seems to happen more with inexperienced readers who are working through their ego lessons)

• When someone has their own filters they haven’t worked through and see you through them

• When someone’s energy is NOT clean and therefore interferes, lowers, messes with your energy

• When someone’s intentions are not pure and they are not reading for the highest good, but trying to meet their own needs

• When someone reads in a way that makes you feel hopeless

• When someone chit chats and just starts talking about themselves with no relevance to what they’re reading

• When someone takes WAY too long getting images or transitioning (the pacing is IMPORTANT!)

I’ve had some terrible experiences now that I think about it, ones in which I knew the person was trying to instill fear, panic, anxiety. My energy literally BLOCKED the reading from going any further.

Now, I know, clairvoyant readings are NOT easy. They require a lot of skill, not just intuitively, but your clairvoyance needs to be well developed and honed and your psychological filters need to be cleared in the reading space. Not to mention, you need to have the interpersonal skills and the background to know how to hold space while negotiating when you jump in to offer more, and when to pull back, and when to offer (if you have them available) your other clair-faculties. I’m at once submerged in your world- not just through seeing, but feeling, hearing, knowing. Sometimes, you as a reader need to know how to steer the reading when your client may not know how or what to ask, and other times, you need to be a passive channel so you do not interfere with the informational flow that is coming through. Meanwhile, you also need to be available and present enough to handle the emotional and energetic labor that definitely is required because your readee may be processing a lot of stuff.

I am up for the challenge. I LOVE reading. Yes, sometimes it is very draining. Sometimes I’m handling a lot of emotional processing and negative energy. Sometimes I’m placed in the position to not only do all the above, but to help my client parse out what they’re trying to say or know or ask. I consider this a real labor of love, something that my particular gifts are made for. There have been some instances in my intuitive development that I have felt taken advantage of or resentful in the amount of work I do for others, or just simply don’t want to practice because it feels so difficult at times (yes, at the beginning of my practice, I was so drained from one or two in-person sessions I couldn’t get up over the weekend. This work can take a toll), but I have NEVER once felt that way about clairvoyant readings. It is my blessing to be able to share them and the miracles that unfold after are always surprising and beautiful to know. I am more than grateful that some of you are so receptive to the readings and have found benefits to it. You have no idea how good it is to know that all my experiences, life, training and otherwise, are not in vain.

I feel that as a reader we all get access to different levels of “stuff”. Mine happens to hit the deeper layers of trauma sometimes, and I deeply believe that we get what we can handle, meaning, I am capable of handling the hard stuff and delivering it with grace. I know sometimes the truth can hurt, but I’m also aware that most times the truth is what we’re after. It’s precision that matters, and also, knowing how to communicate this information that is a skill for sure. I have a friend who was talking about her ideas about radical honesty and in her mind it was permission to say whatever you want at all times, and my response was that yes it’s great to be open and honest, but it’s lacking a sense of social awareness if we just go around saying everything we feel all the time because words can hurt other people. We need to have a level of cultivation around sensitive topics, we need to have tact, sophistication, we need to know how we impact others and we need to also know not to instill fear.

So, here’s what I appreciate about clairvoyant readings:

• a real grasp of the clairvoyant space, and in knowing what the readee is ready and wanting to access

• a real fluid template, where shifts can happen quickly if the readee wants to move on to something else

• limited chitchat, lean communication, only saying what is necessary

• allowing the readee to take priority

• sensitivity to the contents and to the experience of the readee

• checking in

• knowing when to volunteer a healing and being respectful of boundaries

• knowing what is being communicated from the readee and the guides you work with, meaning, sometimes you’re not just a channel, you’re also a translator!

• active, VERY active listening. Reading between the lines.

• great energy

• a wide database of imagery, so that the reader can also help you decipher certain images when they come through so you’re not left alone trying to understand an image

• If something comes through in a scary way, to know how to communicate it with love and empowerment

• the willingness to help you look into deep dark compartments

• the feeling that someone is with you 100% and committed to the reading

• sometimes knowing to ask certain things even if you are not being asked- basically, being one step ahead because you are thinking of the client’s time and you want then to get as much out of it as possible

• emotional intelligence!!!!

• honoring the openness in the energetic communication

• integrity

I know, I know, I’m tough. But from all these years of experience, this is what I’ve discovered. And this is what I want to offer you during each of my sessions. And hopefully by offering this information to you too, it saves you a lot of time and money because I can’t tell you how much I’ve spent on countless readers over the years.

Thank you to everyone who I’ve had the pleasure of reading with, who’ve helped me hone my abilities. Truly.

You have no idea how nervous I was the first time I ever tried. It’s crazy to me that there was once a time I couldn’t “see”, as in, didn’t have clairvoyant abilities, or at least not to my knowledge. I remember the first fuzzy image that ever came through. It was an image of cucumbers on the kitchen counter. Then, I could barely make out someone’s hands chopping them. I felt so stupid, but I said it anyway. “I was just making a cucumber salad” said my first practice readee. “Oh, I could maybe do this…” I thought. I’ve come a long way, but it is my belief that this isn’t the first time I’ve ever activated this Clair faculty. I’m sure I must’ve used it quite a lot in other lives. This one in particular I’m fascinated by. I have different relationships with each of my Clairs and they all developed at different times, and this one, I just LOVE.

Which clair faculty is your favorite? What do you love about it? Hate about it?

Would love to know your experience in the comments.

Stepping Away from Family : The Taboo of Estrangement

I am estranged from my family by choice. I chose to do something as extreme as this for my health and wellbeing, so you can imagine how difficult this choice was, how deliberate it was, and what must’ve happened to make this a necessary outcome. Within that choice are layers holding all the years and attempts I’ve made to shift the dynamic. All the self-work that was met with the same toxic reactions, all the attempts to destroy any self-esteem I was building. Eventually, I reached a point: enough is enough. I cannot grow with this in my life. And, I let go.

To me, this marks a huge stride in my own empowerment, self-sufficiency and self worth. I didn’t realize it at the time I committed to this choice, it was just a fact of life. I’d been pushed way past the point of pain and suffering. However, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have my qualms about it.

Especially because of the cultural piece— family’s are a huge part of Chinese culture, and because of our general, collective attitude towards the family unit, it’s a doubly hard endeavor. I think all I ever wanted as a little girl was a happy family. I have a tendency to romanticize and idealize sometimes, and of course, I always had the fantasy that my familial relationships would be fixed, people would come to realize their contributions and take responsibility. But that’s wishful thinking. A lot of people don’t, that’s a fact of life. It’s much better to believe that and be pleasantly surprised than to expect someone to change who doesn’t want to, and then to be disappointed over and over, in my opinion. So, I can step back and accept the reality and let time show me what I need to know.

I will just say that in our society, and I’m speaking for American culture specifically, there is a tendency to exalt family. It becomes the centerpiece. Anything that deviates from the family unit is unacceptable. While I was struggling, I had a therapist (who I terminated at a later point) who continued to tell me that family is part of someone’s framework of wellbeing and it’s our responsibility to make things work. My family was falling apart at the time for many reasons and she continued to insinuate that it would cause damage to my wellbeing if I didn’t fix it. She continued to try to push her agenda on me, her belief on me, instead of seeing my situation for what it was. Abiding by her framework, yes, and, sometimes wellbeing means family needs to be out of the picture entirely.

If you’ve experienced the same abuse and toxic behaviors in a family no matter what you do, how much you feel over responsible, how much you become over functional, the truth remains the same for this and any toxic relationship: you cannot fix it if the other person (people) aren’t willing to do the work. They will never realize unless you LEAVE otherwise your presence continues to enable their behavior.

Shutting the door for now does not mean shutting the door for good. Sometimes, people return to their families years later to shift the dynamic after they’ve come to a certain point in their healing. Sometimes, there’s more and more distance as people come to more and more realizations for why the relationship is damaging. I am not at the point of contemplating a return, yet, and I will admit it is painful for me to know that there are years passing that I won’t see, or know, in the lives of the people that I love no matter what. My love for them makes me want to know how they are, to watch them grow older, to fight for them at all costs. My love for them excuses them for any bad behavior- but, loving without realistic limits is unhealthy and we can have all that love for them but choose to love ourselves, too, instead of needing to be the one who constantly sacrifices their own self-love and respect for the other. Notice if ever you are in a dynamic that forces you to choose either you or them. That’s already a big red flag.

If something in this post is resonating for you- just know that if you let society’s expectations outweigh your own wellbeing, if you’re afraid of what people might think or say if you deviate from the norm, then you will never find what you’re looking for. You may put up with the pain and suffering in avoidance of the pain and grief of loss if you made that cut, but the second option allows opportunity for growth. You get, along with it, several gifts of strength, resilience and self worth.

For all the people out there who are estranged from your families and either are open about it or find it hard to talk about- I just want to say that I understand. I may not know the whole story and it may not have been similar to my experience, but I can only imagine what took you there. And, you are so brave. You are not alone.

For those of you who are thinking about making this choice but are still holding on out of unconscious fear- here’s your reminder that you have the permission to make those hard choices, and to take care of yourself.

The best response I’ve ever gotten from someone when I said, “I’m estranged,” was, “good for you for taking care of yourself,” let’s all normalize this conversation and shift it over to that response and attitude.

A note to clients: I will NEVER try to enforce that estrangement is THE way to go. It is what I chose to do and I consider it a last option, but it is not what is right for everyone and when I look at your situation, I look at it as YOUR situation and do my best to mediate any unconscious biases and clear my subjective filters. In the past I’ve worked with people who projected themselves onto me, who got overly and inappropriately involved in my life choices, and I know how harmful it can be so I am especially careful about this.

New Services

I’ve decided to introduce two new sessions!

First one is a half hour clairvoyant healing. This will be less focused on a deep healing and more on specific questions.

Second, which I’m really excited about, is a photo reading. I’ve been doing this for my friends for ages and wanted to introduce it to more people. Basically, my friends will show me a photo of someone and I’ll sense in and tell you what I get intuitively. In person, I just put my hand over the photo and read the energy that comes through. This is useful for those of you who are online dating, or have a photo from someone’s instagram, etc. I’ll scan for what type of energy they read as, what blocks I pick up, red flags, etc.. and sometimes I can even sense whether they’re going to be a good energetic match for you (only if you’re a previous client, since I need some familiarity with your energy)

A lot of people have asked me in the past how online dating works for me, being that I’m so energetically in tune. I’ll just say that it saves me a lot of time because upon one glance of a photo I already know a lot, and especially whether we will have a connection. I will say that in the last few years, every single person I have met I have connected well with, energetically. Vibing things out at the offset saves SO much time.

Note: with the photo reading, please refrain from asking me any specific questions, as those are reserved for the emailed questions. I do this to protect my energy, since the emailed questions are more energetically involved, since I have to tap into your energy alongside the clairvoyant space. You can provide some info, like how you know this person or in what context. If you have follow up questions, then please book an emailed question too.

Book now via my booking page

Alternate Examples of Remote Reiki

Most people book remote reiki for anxiety, sleep, removing emotional blocks, deep healing, pain

Although remote reiki can not be used to manipulate someone else for a specific outcome (for example, remote reiki cannot be used to make someone else do something for you but can be structured to enhance a desired outcome) as that has karmic repercussions, there are novel ways that remote reiki can be used that I’ve experimented with in the past which work!

1. Attracting money, abundance, love

2. Finding out someone’s truth

Yes- the 2nd one is one that I’ve used before in my personal life— one time, I programmed reiki to reveal truth about an ex. At this point we had just broken up. During the time of our relationship I had some suspicions, but there wasn’t any ever evidence of any cheating. I thought it was all in my head and left the relationship feeling very confused as he presented as such a good, faithful guy, so, I let reiki do the work for me. The very next day, someone that he had been cheating on me with sent me a message and I got the concrete confirmation that I desired. I could NOT believe it. We can’t intrude on someone’s personal life to find out their truth just because we’re nosy, but when, like in this situation, it’s for the highest good for someone else to know (this was important information for me to move on and get a deeper understanding of what was happening so I could heal and stop doubting my instincts) the reiki will reveal it.

Sometimes I’ll use reiki to help me set energetic boundaries and release energy when I feel someone’s energy is in my space— this is a particularly useful for those of us who are energetically sensitive.

Other times I use it for cord removal or to draw back my energy if I feel drained.

Remote reiki is incredibly versatile and I’m continually amazed at the breadth of what it can work on with clients, and with myself. The outcome may not come as expected and sometimes there is a delay as there is with any manifestation, but it will come if it is in the highest good.

If you have any questions about how to use reiki in a particular situation, or aren’t sure how/if it can be used for an intention, send me an email and I’ll help you

To Expand We Must First Contract

I go through phases when I’m upleveling- meaning, raising my vibration and shifting out of an old vibration. I always know this is happening because I’m met with what feels like a rut, a void space, a crash. Everything could be going very well, and then suddenly for a few days at a time it’s like I can’t get out of bed. I crave comfort foods, I withdraw completely. Anything like working out, or reading, or productive, even, seems utterly impossible.

if you are energy sensitive, then you for sure have gone through these phases. Sometimes they’re linked to planetary alignments, moon cycles and collective energies. Other times, they’re just your own process, whether you’re undergoing an ego death or just a vibrational shift. It’s likely that if you aren’t energy sensitive and somehow wandered over to my blog (or even if you are energy sensitive) you could dismiss what I’m saying with other reasons like, say, depression, or a mood disorder, or something hormonal. Trust me, sometimes it’s easier to default to explanations like that because to default to shifting, or contrasting, seems so intangible. What is this inner process that takes us out, out of nowhere?

Energetically, what’s happening is a contraction internally. The new vibration and the older vibration don’t match, so the contrast within creates a turbulence, a chaos, and the old vibration (which is denser) is attempting to cling- which is why when you go through these phases you may have food cravings for foods with no nutritional value even if normally you eat very healthily. Once this contraction happens fully, it releases, and then your energy expands again in a new vibration.

Even though when you’re going through it there’s no way you’d consider this upleveling, since it feels so regressive, just go through it. Once you surrender to it, the whole process becomes easier.

The first time I really experienced this was during my first ego death, or, dark night of the soul. The contraction phase was so intense, I actually thought I was dying. But then, when it released the next morning, I felt infinitely lighter, more connected, more aware, clearer. I felt so incredibly different. Throughout each of these shifts, I learn more and more that it’s human nature to go through resistance with any change, even if it’s internally. And the lower density, or that which wants to stay the same, will put up a fight. It’s the ego after all. With my second ego death, I learned that fear, resistance and separation is only of the ego, and that our power comes from spirit. The moment we stop fighting and surrender to the spirit, we expand and realize there is nothing at all to fear.

Other times, we may undergo a similar process and arrive at a similar place of renewal but through different means. For example, you could be very busy and keep pushing yourself, and your body will know to keep going. But there is deeper emotional processing that you are avoiding, or you simply don’t have the time or luxury to pause for a minute. The body will keep you functioning until you have a moment, and then it hits you and you crash. Everything you pushed away for the last few days, weeks, months, will suddenly have the necessary space to process, and you may surprised by how much emotion is behind it. Every time, it is scary, but it will also up level you and shift you out of whatever changes you’re undergoing, so that you may experience it on the other side with ease.

The thing is, as we grow, as we contract and expand (which is the natural movement of all life— take for example, the Big Bang), we go through cycles of grief- grief for situations, environments we’ve outgrown, and mostly for ourselves. We lose versions of ourselves in order to grow into new ones, and along the way we do need to grieve those losses.

Session types and differences

The four primary types of remote session I offer currently are:

Clairvoyant Healings, Remote Reiki, Hypnosis and Integrative Healing sessions.

Just to give a quick run down of how these differ—

Clairvoyant Healings are for clarity, understanding, and a larger perspective. It also is a healing as well, as sometimes when we see and acknowledge what exists within, we can better process what’s coming up, that we may have dismissed or ignored or simply missed, previously. I also do offer a direct, energetic healing component, which means that I help you move out blocks and clear your energy or assist it to run more smoothly. This is by phone.

Integrative Healing Sessions are more “on the ground” so to speak, so although all of my healing sessions encourage embodiment, this one is about helping you to release and move through blocks, process emotions and traumas in the body. Although all of my sessions can elicit an emotional catharsis, this one by far is the most direct. It’s an integration of integrative life coaching (which is great when working with triggers, or anxiety), hypnosis, alongside breath work, sounding, and visualization exercises + other therapeutic and spiritual tools. This is by phone as well.

Remote Reiki is purely energetic and can offer a lovely reset, a good night’s sleep, and clearing of subconscious pain, fear, etc. It can also be used for situations and relationships (never to manipulate it, but moreso to set the vibration and intention). Although one session works wonders, over time remote reiki can really clear out so much, as the work builds on itself as you also become more receptive as your energy opens. There is no additional therapeutic work, and therefore remote reiki is not by phone. When healing, I’m working purely intuitively and energetically. Many people also can experience an emotional release as well. After these sessions I send an email recap what I worked on and anything important to know.

Hypnosis takes you into a gentle trance, and helps you rewrite old programming. It can also be used for triggers, addictions, physical pain, and underlying causes of anxiety, stress, low self esteem, etc.. I’ll be guiding you by phone. This one doesn’t have as much of a focus on energetic work, as it focuses on the unconscious mind only. Since the unconscious mind is predominant even when we’re awake, to target the unconscious means we can change our habits fast.

Some people may respond to different sessions, and if you have questions about what is best for you, feel free to ask. Used together, these modalities do a comprehensive clean sweep, as in combination they target every possible angle.

Finally, with regards to my emailed question, that’s for small questions that require me to look into things intuitively, energetically and clairvoyantly. So, if you have an additional question after reading, or if you just have one question and don’t want to do a full reading, then this would be the best way to go.

Chasing Unavailable Partners

We’ve all at one point in time chased unavailable partners. Especially if you lean towards the anxious attachment style, the avoidant type may seem very appealing. Part of the development of the anxious attachment style has to do with having needs met inconsistently, which the avoidant type does so well. Sometimes the avoidant type is there, other times, well most times, he/she/they are not.

It’s likely a pattern, but there are different ways unavailability shows up.

They can be:

emotionally unavailable (distant, cold, emotionally cut off, secretive)

married, or in a “committed” relationship

workaholic

drug user

physically distant (always traveling, or live in a different place)

All of the above reveal something: that the unavailable partner is investing the majority of his/her/their time already in a relationship with something else, whether that be substances, work, or another person. They’re physically, emotionally, mentally not engaged with you and most likely, this is an offshoot of them being unavailable to themselves, deep down, too.

The thing is, when we choose unavailable partners, most of the time subconsciously there’s a need we’re chasing after to fulfill. This need can be deeply unconscious, and be something that we’re seeking to resolve from a childhood attachment wound. For example, my father was largely unavailable my entire life. He was physically always traveling, emotionally, didn’t have the capacity to be vulnerable or present, not to mention I didn’t meet him until I was 3. What this created was an unconscious need and desire for a certain type of male validation, attention and love. I found myself in repeated cycles with the same type of man: unavailable, secretive, self-absorbed and in pain— but.. high achieving, successful and very similar to my dad in temperament (aka domineering and angry)

The interesting thing is, all of the men were in the position to offer me what it was I wanted. I think that when we seek out these unavailable partners, they all have an inkling of potential to satisfy that/those specific needs we have. All times, I left these situations disappointed because most of these relationships function on the basis of your projection of unfulfilled desires and desire for unconscious resolution. There were times when I was offered what I had been seeking the whole time. Some of these men fell in love with me. And you know what I did, after spending so much of my time and energy trying to "convince” these men I was worthy of their love and attention? I suddenly came to the realization I never wanted it in the first place! That’s right. When it’s presented to you, you most likely will come to the realization you do not want the relationship. It was never about them even though it seemed it was so much about them. You may have devoted everything to them. No, it’s about you.

The reason being is, the thing that we crave, the thing that almost feels like we can’t live without.. well the truth is, we never had it. So, we never needed it.

That stark truth sets in when we’re presented with it. That’s why some people who want unavailable partners actually avoid available partners. We all do this in some ways. We want the people who don’t want us and shy away from the people who are way too obvious about their affections— that’s why hard to get is such a widespread tactic, after all. The underbelly of the anxious attachment style IS unavailability. The reason why people seek unavailable partners repetitively is because it’s safe. There’s no risk of real vulnerability and attachment, because it can never form into a real healthy relationship.

Once you start feeling more emotionally ready and start doing the hard work around intimacy, love, attachment style and need, these patterns dissipate. You’ll find yourself more secure in your attachment, more ready and willing for real partnership, and therefore will attract matches who are much more available. Just be careful when you do find that familiar feeling of uncertainty and “thrill” and find yourself wondering how the other person feels, because more likely than not, if you have a lot of questions and doubt about how someone feels about you, they’re likely unavailable and unhealthy for you.

Narcissistic Abuse

This is speaking on behalf of the narcissistic abuse victim—

Pathological narcissists rely on fracturing their victim’s identity, so that they’re cut off from themselves. That’s why there’s so much gaslighting, denial, blame shifting and usage of distraction mechanisms. When you’re cut off from your inner knowing, it becomes harder to see the truth.

An example of this is, say, a narcissistic partner is cheating on you. You may get an intuitive sense that something isn’t right, but every time you ask, you’re put in the spotlight or told that you’re crazy. Examples of how this can take place:

1. How can you accuse me of something like that? I’ve never done that in my life (lying, denial, blame shifting- because now you’re the bad person, you’ve accused them)

2. Can you give me the benefit of the doubt? (blame shifting- it’s your fault)

3. You’re too sensitive (gaslighting)

4. You’re imagining things (gaslighting)

5. You’re crazy (gaslighting)

6. I tell you everything (lying, manipulation)

7. You weren’t right about x so how can you be right about this? (gaslighting, creating doubt)

8. Admission of something else, to cover up their deceit (a bid to appear honest, but still lying)

9. Active refusal to engage (stonewalling, punishing)

10. You’ve had bad experiences in the past so you’re projecting onto me (blame shifting)

11. Actual distortion of truth and the importance of honesty (i.e. I’m not lying about anything, I don’t count that as lying)

12. Everyone lies it’s not a big deal, or everyone does it, it’s not a big deal (minimizing)

13. I was just so lonely! It was your fault! (blame shifting, plea for sympathy)

14. They get angry and cause a scene (distraction)

15. You always need to be right don’t you? It’s like your ego can’t handle if you aren’t (blame shifting)

This isn’t all of it! There are countless manipulation tactics the narcissist can employ to make you feel like it’s YOU who’s paranoid, or ill, or to have reason to doubt yourself and your intuition. You can feel like you’re the bad guy for accusing someone so good. When this happens in the long term, victims often feel cut off from themselves, from their power, from their inner voices. This can manifest in depression, anxiety, panic attacks and actually feeling like you are going crazy. Something feels very off, and you feel more and more distant to yourself, to your family and friends. You wonder why your world just doesn’t feel the same way it used to. Where’s your joy? Why do you feel drained all the time?

This is a similar energy that some things like cults will do, or bad gurus.

The reason why these tactics are employed are because if you are out of body, if you are shut down, if you are separated from yourself, then you end up attacking yourself and doing the work for them. An example of this would be, the inner dialogue would be convincing yourself that you’re imagining things, or being paranoid, or convincing yourself that the narcissist is amazing and you don’t deserve them. Your mind goes overboard trying to rectify the cognitive dissonance you are feeling about the situation and the person, and also trying to quiet all the warning signals in the body. You then become more compliant, because you’re cut off from your power. You become more easily manipulated. You’ve surrendered.

Other ways we can feel when we are caught up in narcissistic abuse cycles are: insecure, we may even feel unable to sleep, we may have various ailments pop up out of nowhere, we may get colds all the time even though previously our immune systems were strong, we may find ourselves fixating on the narcissist to the detriment of our own lives. We may start feel really bad about ourselves, or fixating on our flaws, or working tirelessly to improve our communication skills or some aspect of ourselves because we feel like we are to blame (even though the narcissist does nothing). If in a romantic relationship, we may feel very jealous even though we’re not normally jealous. We may also feel very off balance, or unstable, when usually we aren’t this way. The narcissist will use this against you too, even though it’s their instability and chaos that’s making you feel these things.

WATCH OUT FOR THIS. Even though some of us might not be ready in various stages to see how we’re being manipulated because we can really care for, and love the other person, we need to listen to our bodies when we notice something like this happening.

It is what is called, “Crazymaking”. You’re not crazy, but they’ll make you feel like you are. They’ll keep devaluing you, insinuating things to diminish you until you feel so small. This helps them feel bigger, better, and maintain their illusion. They need YOU to believe in their good in order to feel that they are. They need YOU to feel crazy so that they don’t feel their shame about cheating, or their addictions and lies. Essentially, they need YOU to take over responsibility and blame. Narcissists rely heavily on outside feedback, and if they have their one person, their victim, who reflects back what they want to hear and believe about themselves, then everything is ok in their world. Their egos remain afloat, their secrets remain hidden, their truth becomes obscured, and their shame and inferiority are tucked away.

Painful Experiences

When we go through pain, it’s important to sit with it instead of bypassing. The (unconscious) human tendency is to push it down, get over it, distract ourselves. It’s human as much as it is inhumane, because instead of what animals naturally do (they dispel energy and literally shake it off) humans tend to want to tuck it away somewhere so it’s not felt or seen.

Sometimes we do this so unconsciously. But this has energetic consequences. It can create blocks in our system that then have other consequences. For instance, if we don’t express, we also tend to block our creative expression too. Writer’s block is often a symptom of blocked emotional expression.

It may feel comforting to let it simmer elsewhere in our bodies instead of feel the tears, the rage, the anguish, the broken heart, but it will surface at another time and in another way. If we move through it now it becomes so much easier on the physical body too, because it hurts our physicality to hold so much unprocessed emotional pain. Aches always have a direct emotional root.

How we can begin to release the pain is to first check in on our bodies through a body scan. What is lighting up for you? Notice it, and ask it what it’s telling you. I sometimes find this much easier to do in the presence of someone who I trust, or with a practitioner who knows how to hold space. Secondly, I find that if we touch the area that’s lighting up, we can assist the process as well. When we hold ourselves, we comfort the body so that it feels safer and more reassured. The body communicates with tactility, so it responds well to it too.

We can often wonder what the reason is. Did we attract this? Why? What is the pain teaching us?

In the initial stages it might be hard and insensitive to try to ascribe a reason to the painful experience. But when you’re ready, it can help a lot to find the larger lesson. Pain is a great teacher, if not the best teacher. We grow in our resilience and strength, and as one healer I worked with today said, “painful experiences happen to people who can handle them. It’s not the experience that defines you, it’s how you emerge from it,”

I remember my first spiritual teachers told me, “the only way out is through,” we do have to deal with the pain in order to find the light. Sometimes it can feel like it’s never ending, but there’s always an end in sight. This reached a new level of applicability when I began acting, and finding that the greatest resource I could possibly have was my pain. It’s in my pain that I can find vulnerability, bravery, and relatability. It’s through my pain I can find compassion.

Sometimes, if the pain was inflicted by someone else, we also need to understand that some people are suffering. Their pain controls them because they haven’t learned to move through it. Hurt people hurt people, is the saying. Unfortunately, we can become casualties to other people’s pain, and for a brief period of time the light in our hearts may dim from it. Our hearts may become guarded for some time, but in the long term, we’ll be able to see the gift that is pain if we allow ourselves to see our pain first. Then it doesn’t control us, and then we don’t repeat the cycle.

Most times, it’s not that we attract pain into our lives. There’s a real danger in accepting the spiritual “truth” that is that everything we attract is something about us. I find it to be at best, an easy default and at worst, insulting. Sure, a lot of times people around us can mirror something about us we need to heal, but not all the time. Even the highest vibrational person is not immune to pain.