Remote Reiki Testimonial

I received a lovely testimonial from a new client, Paris, after her remote reiki session.

I just wanted to thank you so so much for our reiki session. The morning after our session, I felt a clearness within that I don’t recall ever feeling before. It felt like the feeling after you’ve deep cleaned your home and just lit a candle. Relief, calmness and inspiration are just a few things that I’ve experienced in the months that followed. Before this session, I struggled with the path I wanted my life to go in. I felt like I was making some progress in the right direction but still missing the mark. After the session, I had an epiphany that seemed so obvious that it was almost laughable. Now I am taking steps in this new direction and I feel so inspired and alive.  

My Book

I can’t believe I’m doing this, I’m actually struck with terror as I’ve put this off for MONTHS. But what good is it to be hiding valuable information from those who need it?

My practice has been fundamentally separated from my life for a reason. I’ve liked to maintain some semblance of privacy and anonymity in my work. As most of my clients know, I put 110% of the focus on you.

But tonight, I’m ready to share that I published a short (because it’s concise and dense with information— I’m not one for fluff) book a few months ago for women who are, or wanting to walk into their personal power. You can find it here

It’s a tricky process that’s fraught with many set backs, many moments of realizing what you’re coming up against: yourself, your conditioning, your ancestry, your culture, and patriarchy at large. It can be an infuriating process, a confusing one, a lonely one. Trust me, I’ve felt it all.

But the key is to continue to dismantle the oppressive systems within, and that’s what allows others to do it too. That’s what changes the world.

With love,

M

Perfectionism

I myself am guilty of perfectionism. There is always an unrealistic standard that I’ve set for myself that I somehow fail to meet. In my mind, it’s realistic because I’ve been exposed to this standard before, it’s not born of nowhere.

I won’t go into the mechanics of how perfectionism is created through upbringing, since many of you already know what goes into this and how it’s modeled.

What this creates in someone who lives with this is a deep fear of “not good enough” and secondly, a developing well of self directed frustration as well as feelings of failure that are semi-repressed. It’s semi-repressed as long as there’s some metric of success that you must score high on. Perfectionism is fear based, and for those of us who’ve lived with it, we’ve turned that fear (and anxiety) into something that motivates.

It was always very conscious for me as a teen and young adult that if I let go of this, and just suddenly realized I was “good enough” that I’d stop trying. I felt that the alternative was apathy, which I have experienced before. I didn’t know what to substitute the fear motivation for, or that there was another form of motivation.

As I’ve grown, I’ve come to face that fragile ego that’s underneath all of this. The one that took in the programming of deep unworthiness. I remember being very young and in situations where I felt failure, how much I couldn’t handle it because it brought out deep shame. In classes that I wasn’t the best, the stakes felt so high and so intolerable. I somehow couldn’t take it in stride like all the other people who were not the best, who were not good. People who could fail at something or not be good at something and not have it affect their sense of self seemed to have a healthy self-esteem that made them know that just because they weren’t good at this thing, they could keep trying and get better. They also knew that just because they weren’t good at this one thing, it didn’t mean that they were flawed as a person. These were thought processes that I didn’t have even if I identified them consciously.

As I’ve gotten older and done a lot of healing and integration, I’ve specifically challenged myself to do all the things that I’m not particularly gifted at. Sure, other people might argue that I’m not that bad, in fact, that maybe I am better than I think (because in my mind I think I am just awful which is a particular trait associated with perfectionism as well- that my assessment of myself always tends to be worse than what’s “real”). What this challenge does is it forces me to grow- it forces me to confront those shadow elements and fear. It shows me that there’s nothing to fear, and to be more lighthearted in my approach- that just because I can’t do a particular jump or my brain isn’t as quick with a quippy response in improv doesn’t mean that the world is ending, which it often felt like it was when there is a perfectionism that is expected of you, and performance is everything. Most importantly, it shows me to have fun which is something I had long been lacking in childhood.

I remember when the darkness of perfectionism hit me the worst, it wasn’t that long ago. My ego was still in control then and it needed above all else to bolster itself from its feelings of inferiority and frailty. So, I chose to only do things that I was the shining star in. And then my world became so limited, my ego was satisfied but my soul wanted more.

Overall, we’re here for the experience. That means, the totality of life that we get to experience in this human form, with this human intelligence. It’s not about good or bad, it’s about how we meet those experiences and what we take away from them. In the end, I’m. not going to care that I was the best in this one class or one thing, because I care more about growth and process, truly. Success of course is important, and I plan to succeed at the things that I’ve chosen, but I’m also learning to re-assess the bar that I set for myself. I want to do my best, not be the best.

Integrative Healing 10 Series

It feels important to write about the 10-series I offer, and why one would opt for this series as opposed to individual sessions.

The people who normally book the series are usually following a calling- it’s a calling of big transformation for them, either they’re in their spiritual awakening process or a spiritual expansion phase. If you somehow keep gravitating towards this idea, there’s a reason. It’s in our egos to have resistance and to make excuses, but if it’s a spiritual calling, the universe will support it in all ways including materially because the way we expand is exponential.

What this series is is a deep dive into trauma release, de-programming and re-programming. We’ll work to uncover unhealthy beliefs and rework them to streamline your internal process, to get you into your alignment. A lot of this work goes into imprints from past lives and from your present past. Our realities are determined by how we perceive and react to stimulus. If we change what that stimulus means by clearing all of what it meant to us before, we can respond in a renewed way that changes all outcomes, and brings forth new possibilities.

This work spans multiple levels and multiple dimensions— it’s somatic work all the way to spiritual work.

Commitment to the series is a big one-with the regularity of working together every week, it establishes a container for the work that helps us go deeper and helps us have the continuity required for clearing out the nitty gritty and reinforcing new beliefs and behaviors.

More than anything, at the end of the 10 series it’s a timeline shift to one that matches your new vibration of abundance, love, harmony and self-love. So you can be free and empowered.

One of my first clients mentioned to me after we completed our 10 series that she felt like she could finally live. I think that sums it up beautifully. I think that before we venture into our freedom, we’re stuck in surviving, not thriving.

Hope to “meet” you soon. I’m excited for all your growth and for you to step into your truth and calling.

x M

Dynamics

In recent years I did a family constellation and we left at a very confusing point. My practitioner asked me if I was “the big one or the small one” in relationship to my mom, and my unconscious had a really hard time answering that. I said, “I’m the big one” my mother felt so small to me in that moment.

But there was clearly some confusion and my practitioner said it was time for us to stop, but that it was worthwhile to investigate this. I put it away for a few years because I always felt in some ways older than my own mom, but it made no sense to me consciously.

It clicked today that a crucial element of our dynamic when I left home to go to college was my mom constantly texting me to ask me advice on how to parent my younger siblings. And of course I would always give it to her because in some senses, I recognized that I knew better and she did too. That was normal to me, I never realized how strange it was until just now as I’m healing through deeper layers of my family dynamics.

The thought, my parent asked me for advice on how to parent. That sits awkwardly. How could a parent ask their child how to parent after having been their parent? Isn’t this hard evidence for the fact that she didn’t know how, didn’t learn from parenting me, and was never willing to learn? Isn’t this evidence for the fact that she didn’t parent me? These realizations cut through me in such painful ways because I was gaslit all my life to believe that I was wrong, that they knew better, that every time I called them out on how they were abusing me that it wasn’t actually happening and I was just oversensitive and crazy and that it was all my problem.

It makes me see that I was always supposed to be the little one, and it wasn’t a failure on my part that that dynamic between a child and her mother was never developed for me. When I try to readjust my size, visually, I feel like I don’t trust her. I don’t feel safe as her child. I’d rather be the big one- my parents’ parent.

I think it can be such a strange wakeup call for those of us who were put in the position of caring for the people who were supposed to care for us because it shifts our relationship to the world. I remember that for the longest time I always attracted these people who were supposed to care for me- whether they were mentors, teachers, or therapists or the like, who actually ended up needing my care. I didn’t understand why I was caring for people I was paying to help me, how come no one would help me? These imbalanced and strange relationships made me cringe, yet they were so much of my reality that for a period of years I realized I was better alone and not seeking help. Help came with too many strings and too much of an outpour from me.

It wasn’t until a point in my life when it started to clear, and I found myself seeking help from people who could actually help me and didn’t break boundaries or didn’t insert themselves into my healing. I found that I experienced a lot of distrust because of past experiences, and operated from a place of defense which gradually dropped over a long period of time. There was usually a phase of resistance at the beginning when in my mind I tried to convince myself they couldn’t help me, but I usually stuck through it and gave them more chances. This to me was fear, because they were unfamiliar to me (and for those like me, unfamiliar is usually the safer option) and not intuition. This was another moment in which I needed to learn to distill the two, because there is sometimes intuition in fear too. I notice that pure fear comes from my mind, where as instinctual fear comes from my gut.

These people were safe because they didn’t tell me how to be, didn’t tell me what to do, and didn’t get caught in self indulgent and self absorbed emotional dumps that had nothing to do with me. They actually listened to me and wanted to know what was going on, and paid attention, they responded. This at the outset felt so scary to me because I’d never experienced it before. In these experiences no one is the big one and no one is the small one, they’re meeting me on equal footing and they’re here to guide and support, not be my authority.

That of course shaped a lot of the way that I practice too in my integrative sessions. There’s an interesting dynamic that forms that’s so particular, because I can sense when the inner child needs a gentle authority and is at the forefront of the healing. Sometimes the child needs to be seen, heard, and encouraged, sometimes they need to be attuned to in ways that were needed but never given. This is often before the adult and the child have established a healthy connection. Then at other points in time, I’m relating to the adult, and the adult can then liaise with their own inner child. Some clients need a parental energy at the start, and some others need a fierce advocate where they’ve never had one before to initiate and reinforce their developing security.

For those of you who are unaware, I studied power and gender dynamics extensively for many many years. What’s most interesting is in our imbalanced society we think that power is something that is taken, because so many of us actually feel powerless internally as the world is ruled by narcissists and sociopaths. If someone had an internal sense of power, they’d realize they didn’t need to take it from a source outside of themselves, but that’s just the codependent framework of the world at large. Oppression, suppression, taking.

What I came to realize was that power is something that’s received, if it’s given. Everyone has their own sense of power, and if they surrender it freely then that’s when it can be received. I notice these points when people try to do it in my healing practice, and I gently say no. I remind them of what they’re doing and that they have power, and I ask them to take it back.

I think that practitioners are in positions that can be very influential. That’s why I’m so careful about who I work with, especially energetically. Even if I’m not declaring my power, it’s a soft power. That’s what hypnosis and all of these modalities are- they’re exerting influence for change. No one ever saw a healer because they wanted to stay the same. I think it can be dangerous when someone’s ego gets involved or they’re not sensitive enough to the power dynamics at play because they can convince you to do things for self-serving reasons and not reasons for your, or for the, highest good. It’s something that’s always in the back of my mind for me, and for people that I personally hire.

In relating to myself, I’m the big one and the small one simultaneously. As I grow, I learn more about how to parent, and thus parent myself. There are some tangible things that can’t be changed, like how I grew up, but there are elements that can be healed continuously and presently. The dynamic between ourselves is always changing and always has room to grow. That’s where I’m coming to in recent times, is that my relationship to me is the most important relationship I’ll ever have. I may not be able to change what was the dynamic between my mom and me, but my relationship to me is in my full control and I can be hyper aware of the dynamics that I co-create, now.

Why Aren't My Manifestations Working?

Taurus New Moon is a wonderful opportunity to manifest what you want materially.

Here I share some other aspects of manifestation. If you’ve ever been frustrated about manifestations not working, it’s possible that they are but they are being deflected.

“Part of the manifestation practice is of what you let go rather than what you add” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Addictions

We’re all familiar with the obvious ways addictions can show up: recreational drugs, alcohol, food, sex and drugs

Those can bring us into dark territories and serve to numb and sedate us, and fill an inexplicable void.

Then there are the innocuous ones like coffee and work which are typically normalized and not so extreme

But what about the ones like love, sugar, social media, technology, adrenaline or feeling bad about ourselves?

In the past few years, my diet has become a lot cleaner. As I venture farther on my spiritual path I’ve stopped imbibing in alcohol and any sort of drugs as my body becomes more sensitive and as I stop partaking in normalized social behaviors. When I worked a full time job, it was expected of me to grab a drink with coworkers, or friends after works, or even clients. Alcoholism seemed so embedded in our social etiquette and in our coming of age narratives too. Everyone thinks of college as the time of experimentation with drugs, alcohol and sex.

Although I’ve gone months to a full year sometimes cutting out alcohol, drugs and/or sex, as my life becomes cleaner it forces me to re-evaluate where “softer” addictions still occupy spaces in my life and why it is that society normalizes these addictions, as well as what I’m trying to distract from by using them.

For instance, I’ve recently cut out sugar as part of a preparatory cleanse. This made me conscious about how sugar is literally in everything. For a day or two I felt depressed because I couldn’t engage in my life normally. With cutting out caffeine entirely, too, (I haven’t had any coffee in years but I do like green tea and matcha), my life drastically change and took on a new consciousness. I had to read food labels carefully. I couldn’t go to “grab a matcha” whenever I was feeling antsy at home or to distract from how tired I was some days. Without sugar, I quickly realized how hard it was to eat out, even at healthy vegan restaurants. Even my salad dressing has maple syrup in it!

Beginning in January I also stopped dating entirely and deleted every dating app. I started to realize how much of my time/energy/attention was being sapped by just scrolling through dating apps when I was bored. This was time that could’ve been spent on myself, instead it was spent swiping. I also took a break from all social media for a few months and did a technology cleanse for a few days. It became more apparent how inextricable it all is to our functioning- our addictions become essential to being productive in our lives.

I noticed I also had a habit of trying to make myself feel bad about myself. I used to be codependent, and codependency is an addiction. When we are addicted to narcissistic dynamics, we are obsessed with feeling bad about ourselves or finding ways we are dysfunctional or unlovable. This pattern felt so much a part of my life because it was modeled after caregivers that I didn’t even recognize it as an addiction I could free myself from.

All of this is making it clearer for me to see where it is I’m still “dependent” and where I have absolute autonomy in my life. The wonderful thing is that the more we take control over these aspects and clear our more addictions, more ways we give away our power, the more confident we feel in our lives. It is directly related.

I write this to encourage you to take inventory of your life too. How much of it is based on forms of addiction? What is it that you’re distracting yourself from, and what is it filling in your life? Often times we default to addictions because of unhealed patterns, not to mention addictions fill the spaces between the connection with ourselves. When we avoid things, we usually opt for addictions, even if it’s just anxiety that we’re smoking or drinking away. Maybe it’s loneliness and emptiness that fuels someone to engage in compulsive sex or dating. Some of these patterns of behavior feel so normalized in modern day, but that doesn’t mean that they’re adding to our health and happiness. In fact, I’d argue that they’re drastically decreasing our wellbeing. These mechanisms serve to sever our connection to ourselves more.

The more addictions I clear out, the more I notice more of what I’m suppressing in my emotional body. Although I’m well aware of my internal processes at this stage of my life, I get to see more nooks and crannies so to speak, the more I rid of these coping mechanisms. This is difficult, but this is the challenge of being human and the clarity, self control that’s achievable on the other side is well worth it, in my mind.

Hold Steady! Great Conjunction Update

A lot of us are going through huge life shifts at this moment and experiencing turbulence on the spiritual and bodily level. I myself am, and here’s an explanation that I’m both channeling, am learning from my personal experience and have gleaned from a meeting with a shaman that I work with.

With the Great Conjunction and Winter Solstice, we were all shifting and letting go of a lot of the weighty past that couldn’t come with us into where we’re heading, into the new year, into a new world and energy. Some of you know that that time marked the official beginning of the “Age of Aquarius” which I always thought of as such a woo-woo term, but I myself do feel the drastic change in energy. You may have noticed that a lot of contrast was highlighted- some people started really going downhill in their life and some people started upgrading. Within each of us is that exact contrast, as we each internally go through that sifting process of what to keep and what to leave behind.

With the earth being flooded with charged vibrational energy our bodies are forced to release a lot of density that we may have accumulated our whole lives. Old aches, pains, memories, negative emotions especially at the survival level of root and sacral are all coming up for review- that means everything to do with foundation (childhood), home, safety, relationships and emotions. I’ve noticed especially with women, and through my own experience, a lot of this centers around healing of the womb in a new way, a deeper way. We’re clearing a level of female wounding, collectively. So, pain in the womb, UTI’s may come seemingly out of nowhere.

For those of us who “completed” what we needed to work out before the winter solstice, it is an easier ride as we made enough space to integrate the light energy. For those of us who didn’t, it may feel a lot harder because the energies are amplifying the density as it forcibly moves it out, if we choose to upgrade that is.

The shaman that I work with mentioned that the full Saturn/Jupiter conjunction didn’t happen- the overlap wasn’t exact, and therefore instead of merging 3D to 5D, it split the timeline into two, so now 3d and 5d are both happening at once. That’s why there’s such a stark contrast. Each of us are given a choice to make, do we want to stay in 3d or do we want to shift to 5d and stay there? 3d is where there’s fear. We’re given the choice through engagement, as we will get tested with the people and situations around us that either are of the 3d or the 5d and we can decide what course to take.

In the last 2 months I was given a very strong test. I almost didn’t make it, but luckily as I reaped the lessons and broke the energetic/spiritual contracts, I made a decisive cut of the energy that could no longer exist in my life. If the energy is a person, that means you need to de-personalize them because the 5d is about the energetics. I needed to make a necessary cut in my life, no matter how much I liked the person and needed to hold on. You’ll come to find that people who were in your life for a long long time who didn’t shift over to 5d, and if you’re choosing to be on the 5d, you just can’t have in your life anymore. I know, it sucks, but it’s a choice and as my shaman said, it’s about letting people go about their own journeys. In my mind, it’s about respecting the choices someone makes and letting them take responsibility.

As soon as I made the choice in my life, suddenly I was back “online” and in my own energy again, and already the year feels much smoother. You’ll know you’re back in your own energy when you feel yourself again, you feel calm and you feel relieved. I start seeing positive signs immediately in my life. So, can’t wait to “see” you guys again this year over in the 5d!

Money!

How do you build a comprehensive understanding of money when spiritual and material laws seem to contradict one another? What is most important to do in order to attract and receive money, and also spend it and save it wisely? A detailed look at all of my experiences learning about money

Shifting our Attraction Point

The universe operates out of neutrality- so it will keep giving you options for you to say yes or no to. The things you say yes to, it will give you more of. The things you say no to will be cleared, if you do so consciously and learn the higher lessons associated- the caveat here is if we do so out of fear and resistance, then what we say no to will stick more because we give them more power, and fear and resistance are sticky energies to begin with.

I know- this can be an esoteric concept for some people. So let me break this down: we are always, I mean always, in direct conversation with the universe. When we shift vibrations, what we’re doing is saying no to an existing vibration, and yes to a new vibrational reality. It’s newtonian- a moving object will stay in motion unless acted on by a force. This is to say, our “NO” will stop the pattern from proliferating, and that is how we shift our attraction point.

For example, if we are acting out of unconscious matches, we may keep attracting the same type of partner over and over. It isn’t until we come to the realization, do our healing work and thereby recognize the unconscious, unhealed piece that wants to make itself known consciously can we move forward and then attract a higher level person. Sometimes, a very strong energy healing has that effect if we are choosing to work on what we want to shift. Sometimes these shifts happen gradually as we make our way up the ladder of spiritual learning, other times they happen all of a sudden and we can jump from vibrational reality A to vibrational reality C.

Although I’m going to use an example of online dating, please note that this is a metaphor applied generally in all areas of our lives: the universe will give you matches and it is up to you to swipe right or left. I believe in free will, and although some matches are more “suggested”, the universe is okay with you deciding it isn’t for you and will continue to deliver more matches based on what you say yes to, and refine its algorithm based on your current taste. When you swipe no, with the refined algorithm it will lessen the frequency of how often it presents similar matches until it disappears for good.

Sometimes a huge life change already has the effect of shifting our attraction point in many areas of our lives- that’s how we make those huge shifts from A to C. Sometimes, we clear it through direct experience (because when we confront the energy directly, we act as the force that acts upon it, changing its direction). You’ll notice sometimes when shifting attraction points, we may get one last clearing. One of my healers call this the “draino person” meaning, we get that one last person who reminds us of an old vibration and the situation with that person might be annoying, but what they’re doing is pulling out all the remnants of this old vibration so it can leave. So, we can welcome that experience because sometimes it takes just that one last experience to say enough is enough, and then that force is strong enough for the attraction point to shift permanently.